Newsbreaks for Thursday

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Fugitive Afghan rebel leader Gulbuddin Hekmatyar told the AP that his forces have ended cooperation with the Taliban. Hekmatyar also announced he has just married this woman [photo of Yoko Ono].

Today, President Bush left on a five-nation tour of Latin America. Quick, somebody change the locks on The White House.

The State Department has just released its annual report regarding human rights violations around the world. For the first time ever, the report included censored movies. Said one of the authors, “We couldn’t mention Guantanamo, so we had to fill it with something.”

Next up: the Treasury Department’s report on who’s too capitalist.

A new survey by the Motion Picture Association of America says that 63% of people still consider going to a theater “the ultimate movie experience.” Well, sure—Alcatraz is the ultimate jail experience, but I still prefer house arrest.

The MPAA also said that 605 movies were released last year, and 37% of them featured Eugene Levy.

And finally, musician John Popper was arrested after cops clocked his Mecerdes going 111 mph. Inside the car they found four rifles, nine handguns, a switchblade, a Taser, and some night vision goggles, all in secret compartments. Popper’s car also had special headlights, a siren, and a public address system. When apprehended by the police, Popper said, “Okay, you got me—I’m Batman.”

Here’s Popper’s next car: [photo of the Mach 5]