Newsbreaks for Friday

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Text:
Early Thursday morning, a detachment of soldiers from Switzerland got lost during a training mission and accidentally crossed over into Lichtenstein. While this was technically a hostile action, the government of Lichtenstein brushed it off. An official said, “They couldn’t have done much harm to us. All they had were those little pocketknives.”

A Michigan 16-year-old on the lam from authorities was captured Friday, three days after posting “catch me if you can” on his MySpace page. Said a police officer, “Not only did we catch him, we told him that the song on his site was totally a cliché.”

The unlucky boy is now also facing charges of “assault with incredibly shitty web design.”

A total lunar eclipse is happening Saturday. Who’s excited? Astrologers are excited.

This is when the moon passes behind the Earth’s shadow, causing it to appear crimson. In earlier times, this was often interpreted as an evil omen. But modern science protects us from superstitions like this, and fortunately, the stock market is closed on Saturdays.

An Australian woman was sentenced to community service, after officials caught her smuggling rare fish under her dress. When asked why they didn’t apprehend her sooner, a spokesperson said, “We just thought…I’m not going to tell you what we thought.”

And finally, there’s a new singles bar here in LA. It’s called “Skybark,” and the gimmick is, you can bring your dog. “There’s glamour, and paraparazzi,” said one of the bar’s owners. “You’ll feel like you’re in a real Hollywood party.” Yeah, one where everyone is biting each other and crapping on the floor. Usually that’s just the agents.