Newsbreaks for Monday

Audio version is here.

Text:
Dick Cheney lashed out at Democrats today, saying that any plan to defund the Iraq war was “undermining the troops.” The Vice President has always been a big supporter of our boys in uniform—it’s the ones in hospital gowns that have to watch out.

Cheney characterized the defunding as “slow bleed,” then added, “I’ve always been a ‘fast-bleed’ man, myself.”

This morning, an Air Force Reserve pilot flying off the coast of Florida had to ditch his F-16 into the Atlantic. After ejecting safely, the pilot said, “Very funny, a-holes—that knob isn’t the cigarette lighter.”

Regis Philbin, the 75-year-old host of the show “Live with Regis and Kelly,” has announced he’s going to have bypass surgery. “Nobody wants to do it,” Philbin said, “but this brain of mine has been giving me trouble for years.”
[Sub: “Philbin: In TV, brain is problem”]

Officials in Cancun, Mexico say that beaches at the spring break mecca are eroding at an alarming rate. To combat this, the town plans to build a massive artificial reef out of shotglasses.

Sony announced today that it is going to create a virtual universe for people to experience online. “It’s the logical next step,” an industry analyst said. “A corporation owns the world, and you have to pay them to live in it.”

And finally, former President Bush fainted Sunday while playing golf in Palm Springs. I guess he finally realized which one of his sons is President.