Newsbreaks for Friday

Audio version is here.

Text:
Today, President Bush visited the veterans at Walter Reed Hospital. Secret Service officials confirmed that the visit went well, and that Mr. Bush’s “bedpan shield” functioned perfectly.

Police all over the country say they are noticing an alarming new trend: pot growing in the suburbs. More and more frequently, police raid a house in a nice neighborhood, and find it empty except for a mattress, some folding chairs, and an elaborate set up for growing pot. They call them “grow houses.” I call them “off-campus apartments.”

A Pennsylvania family is being charged with holding a woman captive for months, during which time they beat her, made her do calisthenics, and forced her have sex with their two teenaged sons. When asked why she didn’t escape, the woman said, “They told me it was a reality show.”

Chrysler announced Thursday that it will be offering satellite TV in its 2008 minivans. For an extra $470, you can receive Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel and The Cartoon Network beamed directly into the back seat…I dunno, that seems like a lot of money just to keep the kids quiet—especially when you consider how cheap it is to chloroform them.