Newsbreaks for Thursday

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Text:
A judge in Illinois is preventing a Bears fan who lost a bar bet from legally changing his name to “Peyton Manning.” Judge Katherine McCarthy ruled that such a change might infringe on the quarterback’s rights. After the hearing, the fan expressed disappointment, saying, “Just for that, I’m changing it to Judge Katherine McCarthy.”

In more legal news, a New York judge has ruled that a famously feuding couple has insufficient grounds for divorce, even though they've built a wall dividing their house in two. "It's completely unfair," said Chana Taub, who's claiming physical and mental abuse. "I can totally hear him having sex through the wall."

"Don't tell her I told you this," the husband confided. "It's just a recording."

A Maryland woman claims that her Golden Retriever gave her the Heimlich manuever. After Debbie Parkhurst started choking on an apple, her dog Toby pulled her to the ground and jumped on her chest until the mouthful shot out. Then the dog ate it.

Unfortunately Toby’s gotten so much positive reinforcement, now the poor woman can’t keep any food down.

You don’t wanna know what Toby does for shin-splits.