Newsbreaks for Thursday

Audio version is here.

Text:
Simon and Schuster announced today that it is publishing a new book by Bill Clinton. The book--transcripts of conversations between Clinton and historian Taylor Branch--will be called “Wrestling History.” It will also feature a foreword by Hulk Hogan.

Starbucks announced yesterday that Paul McCartney had signed a one-album deal with their new record label. The 64-year-old ex-Beatle is hoping that the presence of caffeine will help his listeners stay awake.

Gangsters in Malaysia have now put a bounty on the two sniffer dogs that discovered a warehouse full of pirated DVDs. Dudes, intimidation only works if the creature can understand what you’re saying. Maybe cut the head off a chew toy and hide it in their bed or something. “This means Luca Brasi sleeps with the squirrels.”

And finally, scientists in New Zealand studying the largest squid ever captured plan to put the specimen in a microwave oven. “We’re not going to cook it,” said a researcher. “We just want to defrost it so we can study it better…Uh, the marinara sauce is for a friend.”