Newsbreaks for Thursday

Now with AUDIBLE AUDIO! (Thanks, Mr. New Microphone.)



Audio version is here.

Text:
Suspected 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said today that he was the person who beheaded journalist Daniel Pearl. "For those who would like to confirm,” Mohammed bragged, “there are pictures of [it] on the Internet.” I believed him until he said that.

I call this photo “The Anti-Metrosexual.”

A new study has found that people who have heart attacks during the weekend have a slightly higher chance of death. And anyone who’s seen my father watch a playoff game isn’t the least bit surprised.

Introducing… “March Deadness.”

And finally, according to the Labor Department, in February the prices for toys grew at the fastest rate in two decades. The jump was blamed on rising energy costs and, of course, greedy-ass elves.