Newsbreaks for Friday

Audio version is here.

Classes let out early today at an elementary school in Phoenix, after a corpse was found wedged in a heating vent above the cafeteria. “We’re just hoping our kids won’t develop psychological problems, like eating disorders,” said the school’s principal. “On the other hand, we won’t have to worry about obesity.”

Police believe that the man got stuck trying to break into the school. “It’s sad,” said one cop. “There’s nothing more desperate than your hard-core paste addict.”

From the amount of decomposition, they think he died quite a while ago. “I’ve smelled something weird for weeks,” a lunch lady admitted, “but I thought, ‘Oh, that’s just the tuna melt.’”