Newsbreaks for Thursday

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White House spokesman Tony Snow said yesterday that President Bush sees South Korea as a model for US involvement in Iraq. In other words, American soldiers stationed there for decades, with World War III possible at any moment. Snow called this policy “Uneasy Peace in Our Time.”

“The President knows this course will take great courage and resolve,” Snow continued. “And, every night, a fistful of Ambien.”

Federal authorities in Seattle say they’ve arrested one of the world’s worst producers of Spam email. Twenty-seven year-old Robert Soloway has pleaded not guilty to all charges saying, “I HAVE made millions working from home.”

Authorities say that, as a result of the arrest, internet users may actually notice a decrease in the amount of Spam. Wow, I didn’t realize he had to type each one.

Newsbreaks for Wednesday

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The World Health Organization has announced that using a water pipe to smoke tobacco may be just as harmful as smoking cigarettes. This reverses the popular belief among American users, who never thought of using it to smoke tobacco.

A New York pit bull with severe heart and lung problems has been saved by a unique remedy: Viagra. God, I hope this doesn’t catch on. You thought being bitten by a pit bull was bad…

And finally, Scientists in New Zealand have created a genetically modified cow that produces low-fat milk. Of course, they don’t look so great.

Next up: chocolate milk.

Newsbreaks for Tuesday

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NASA announced today that its new space vehicle, the Orion, will be outfitted with a safety system. “If anything goes wrong with the flight,” a spokesman said, “the crew could activate a mission abort rocket that would propel them to safety.” That’s great; now if they could just invent one for the Blue states…

Bank of America and insurer Aetna have teamed up to offer a credit card that gives you extra points for health care expenses. Said one new cardholder, “I’ve adopted ten of these in the past month. I should be a millionaire by Christmas.”

And finally, on Memorial Day, ten more American soldiers died in Iraq. You’ve got to admire what Bush has set up—it’s quite elegant. Soldiers die, we remember them, get sad and angry, so we keep fighting, so more soldiers die…Once you start it up, it’s a perpetual re-election machine—all you have to do is find a war. You can even make one up.

Anybody see a mission abort-rocket around here?

On the advice of my wife...

...I'm taking a day off for Memorial Day (US). If you're in another country, feel free to make up another suitable excuse.

Newsbreaks for Friday

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Classes let out early today at an elementary school in Phoenix, after a corpse was found wedged in a heating vent above the cafeteria. “We’re just hoping our kids won’t develop psychological problems, like eating disorders,” said the school’s principal. “On the other hand, we won’t have to worry about obesity.”

Police believe that the man got stuck trying to break into the school. “It’s sad,” said one cop. “There’s nothing more desperate than your hard-core paste addict.”

From the amount of decomposition, they think he died quite a while ago. “I’ve smelled something weird for weeks,” a lunch lady admitted, “but I thought, ‘Oh, that’s just the tuna melt.’”

Newsbreaks for Thursday

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Paul McCartney has unveiled the video for his latest song on YouTube. The song is called "Look What Happens When I Shove All These Mentos into a Pepsi Bottle."

Speaking at Cannes, director Martin Scorsese announced his next project: a film set in 17th Century Japan. "Two words," Scorsese said. "DeNiro-san."

And finally, for the 11th time since 1978, mass murderer Charles Manson has been denied parole. Manson was angered by this, as he considers himself a political prisoner. He's also angry that Nelson Mandela never answers his letters.

Newsbreaks for Wednesday

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A study out of Great Britain claims that finger-length can reliably predict a child’s future scores on the SAT. Coming soon: “Baby Einstein” brand finger-stretchers.

A joint American/Irish group of scientists have discovered that sharks can conceive and give birth without mating. “I was shocked by the findings,” said one researcher. “I remember yelling, ‘Jesus Christ!’”

Finally, a California man died yesterday after a golf cart he was driving veered out of control and plunged off a cliff. “We’re still figuring out exactly what happened,” said a police spokesman. “But one thing I can tell you is: A lot of old white guys just got religion.”

Newsbreaks for Tuesday

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A former administrator for the Smithsonian says that the museum altered an exhibit on global warming so as not to antagonize the Bush Administration. A spokeswoman for the White House called the story ridiculous., “This President would never go in a museum.”

The exhibit was titled, “The Arctic: A Friend Acting Strangely.” I love this--first because it suggests it’s the Arctic’s is melting on purpose, and second, that it had better stop, or we’ll kick its ass.

Procter and Gamble announced today that it was releasing all of its laundry detergents in a new, double-strength formulation. A P&G spokesman said, “This will make the product easier to handle, take up less space in landfills, and give you an ‘extra-clean tingle’ right before you dissolve.”

And finally, in a new memoir, boxer George Foreman claims that he was drugged before his 1974 fight against Muhammad Ali. George,it was 1974—everybody was drugged.

Newsbreaks 5.21.07

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Over the weekend, former President Jimmy Carter called the Bush Administration “the worst in history. Except,” Mr. Carter said, “when it comes to making me look good. They sure do that great.”

The White House hit back, calling Carter “increasingly irrelevant.” A spokesman said, “Stick to building free houses for poor people, Mr. Nobel Peace Prize.”

Carter immediately apologized, calling his original comments “careless or misinterpreted.” Now that’s the Jimmy Carter I remember: intelligent, principled, and always ready to roll on his back and piss on himself.

The FDA is expected to approve the first-ever pill which would allow women to suppress their menstrual periods indefinitely. Unfortunately, there have been a few side effects.

And finally, the WH O has released its latest tables for life-expectancy all around the wold. For the second year in a row, Japanese females topped the list, living an average of 86 years. Sorry, Paul.

Newsbreaks for Friday

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Treasure hunters announced today that they had found $500 million worth of treasure in a shipwreck in a secret location somewhere in the Atlantic. This could be the richest haul in history…or just another tie-in.

After New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said that his city was being flooded by guns purchased illegally in Virginia, gun lovers there responded by holding a free gun giveaway. When asked about the role that firearms play in incidents like the Virginia Tech massacre, this man said, “We believe the tragedy could’ve been avoided, if everybody had exercised their Constitutional right to…drop out of high school.”

Remember folks: guns don’t kill people, college kills people.

And finally, the head of one of America’s top trauma centers said today that Abraham Lincoln might well have survived his wound, with the help of modern medical technology. Of course, we have other kinds of technology, too.

Newsbreaks for Thursday

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Japanese scientists have created a way to store words and symbols in the DNA of bacteria. This form of data storage would last as long as the species survives, even a million years. On the other hand, it gives new meaning to the phrase, “That book made me sick.”

Clean-tech has come to the bathroom. A British company is now offering a new toilet that uses air to flush instead of water, which it says is cleaner, more hygienic, and better for the environment. Fine—just as long as it never goes backwards.

And finally, a Denver woman has become the first-ever survivor of “an internal decapitation.” Last January, Shannon Malloy was in a car accident which separated her skull from her spine, yet left her neck attached. Three months later, she isn’t even paralyzed, and her prognosis looks good. But she will have to suffer the embarrassment of “floppy head.”

Newsbreaks for Wednesday

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In a speech two weeks ago, Jerry Falwell said he was “at peace with death.” That’s nice. I’m at peace with his death, too.

I’m also at peace with Pat Robertson and the “God Hates Fags” guy taking the long dirt nap. I’m so at peace, I’m like a kid on Christmas Eve.

Speaking of death, the eldest child of Martin Luther King, Yolanda King, died last night at the age of 51. Apparently, Ms. King was an actor—in just one generation, we went from “I Have a Dream” to “I Have an Agent.”

Finally, British researchers say that a persistent feeling that life is unfair, can increase your risk of heart attack. Which is just another way that life screws you…Suddenly I don’t feel so good…

Newsbreaks for Tuesday

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Televangelist Jerry Falwell died this morning at the age of 73. The cause? Heart failure.

The granddaughter of Hideki Tojo is running for a seat in Japan’s Parliament. Yuko Tojo is determined to restore Japanese pride. Most people don’t expect Tojo to win, since her grandfather was associated with the Nazis. On the other hand, it hasn’t hurt him. [picture of George W. Bush]

Indian officials say that something is turning the Taj Mahal yellow. “Now that’s what I’m talking about,” said Yuko Tojo.

And finally, scientists have unearthed a fossil from one of humanity's earliest primate ancestors. Most believe that the tiny-skulled Egyptopithecus disappeared millions of years ago. Yet others claim that the die-off is still taking place, one pea-brained monkey at a time.

Newsbreaks 5.14.07

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One of America’s most distinguished urologists died over the weekend. John K. Lattimer’s time in the spotlight came in 1946, during the Nuremberg Trial. There he treated top-ranking Nazis, truly some of History’s biggest dicks.

In a speech Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI criticized both Marxism and capitalism. Look, Pope—if you’re into feudalism, don’t dance around it, just tell us.

Finally, the grandfather of an eighth-grader is suing the Chicago Public school district for a half-million dollars. Apparently a substitute teacher showed the gay-cowboy drama “Brokeback Mountain.” “It’s very important that my children not be exposed to this,” said the man. He plans to use the money to move his family to the planet Neptune.

I don’t that would even work. After all, Neptune’s right next to Uranus.

Newsbreaks for Friday

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Presidential candidate John Edwards continues to face accusations that his wealth and expensive tastes make him an unsuitable advocate for America’s poor. You can’t deny the logic: to get things done in Washington, it helps to be indigent.

Filmmaker Michael Moore is being investigated by the Treasury Department after going to Cuba without proper authorization. It’s a good thing, too--we wouldn’t want him coming back with all sorts of radical ideas.

And finally, the White House is continuing its search for a “War Czar,” to oversee the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pretty soon, they’ll have to take out a classified ad. “WANTED: Beltway insider to manage ill-conceived, underfunded, unpopular war. Military background a plus. Must fit over Dick Cheney’s hand.”

Newsbreaks for Thursday

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When asked today about the latest Congressional proposal for a timetable on Iraq, President Bush said, “We reject that idea.” We? Sounds like somebody’s been spending too much time with the Queen.

Still, there seems to be movement towards a compromise. “My terms are these,” said the President. “If the Democrats can come up with a prudent, responsible bill, I promise to blame them for everything that happens after that.”

And finally, Tony Blair announced today that he would step down on June 27. “I am proud of what we’ve accomplished,” Blair said. “Together, we’ve turned this great nation into something even greater: a tweedy version of Puerto Rico.”

Newsbreaks for Wednesday

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A new study says that hormones taken at the onset of menopause may have beneficial effects. But not everybody is convinced. One scientist said, “I’d question anything funded by The MILF Institute.”

Last weekend, America’s original astronauts gathered to say goodbye to one of their own, Wally Schirra. Schirra was remembered for his legendary practical jokes, which included smuggling a corned beef sandwich onto a space flight. Once, while in orbit, Schirra described Santa Claus’ sleigh to Mission Control. Of course, some gags were less successful. [Challenger]

And finally, Hollywood insiders say that socialite-slash-argument for communism Paris Hilton will become even more famous after going to jail. They also predict she’ll follow in the steps of Paul Newman and introduce a signature line of “toilet wine.”

Newsbreaks for Tuesday

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Frustrated by last week’s Presidential veto, the Democrats are proposing another plan to end the quagmire in Iraq. But the White House isn’t interested. “This plan is just bad management,” spokesman Tony Snow said. “And we sure as hell know THAT when we see it.”r

An Israeli archaeologist claims he has found the tomb of King Herod, the legendary builder of ancient Jerusalem. The tomb is in the ancient city of Herodium—which seems like a pretty big hint, don’t you think?

Here in Los Angeles, it was announced that a man has received a used heart—one that had been transplanted before. But what’s really surprising is, he found the heart on Craigslist.

And finally, today in Taiwan, the two major political parties had an honest-to-God brawl over the details of a bill…I don’t know Taiwanese politics any better than you do, but if you look closely at this photo, you can clearly see who started it.

Newsbreaks for Monday

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Over the weekend, the New York Yankees signed star pitcher Roger Clemens. Mr. Clemens, whose late-career resurgence has caused whispers around the league, denied the $28 million contract includes a prescription drug benefit.

A new study by the Pew Research Center comes to some interesting conclusions about Americans’ use of cell phones and the internet. Basically, Americans are divided into three groups: 31 percent are elite technology users, 20 percent are moderate users and the remainder is…mom.

And finally, this morning two school busses in New Jersey collided. Details are still emerging, but we know one thing for sure: right after it happened, some kid yelled, “Ooo!”

No children were killed, thank goodness, but it’s clear the accident will have long-term effects. “Events like these traumatize kids deeply,” said a local child therapist. “We’re in the money…we’re in the money…”

Newsbreaks for Friday

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Wall Street is predicting a merger between software giant Microsoft and the search engine Yahoo! “It makes perfect sense,” said one analyst. “Apple’s dorky brother marries Google’s dorky sister.”

Queen Elizabeth the second toured Jamestown today. If you don’t remember your American history, Jamestown is the compound founded by messianic cult leader Rick James.

And finally, delegates from 120 countries have approved an affordable arsenal of measures designed to slash greenhouse gas emissions. But a U.S. official, raised concerns about the economic costs of the plan.

That’s Bush’s America in a nutshell: Preventing global warming isn’t affordable. Building a 50-foot wall all along our coastline, is.

Because, of course, they’d hire Halliburton to do it.

Newsbreaks for Thursday

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Pope Benedict XVI has written a new book which offers a harsh critique of capitalism. The critique costs $24.95 and is available in bookstores worldwide.

I know, that’s a cheap shot. After all, there’s no way to communicate to billions of people for free. [sigh] Maybe someday…

Officials are increasingly worried about America’s honey bees. Beekeepers have lost about 25% of their stock in the last few months, and no one knows why. “It’s very difficult to plan for something like this,” said a spokesman for the US Department of Agriculture. “Especially if Michael Crichton doesn’t write a book about it.”

We’ve suffered bee die-offs before, but this one is different. Instead of finding corpses of workers all around the colony, these bees seem to have disappeared. Okay: Who’s stealing our bees?

The GOP is holding its first debate tonight, with one question on everybody’s lips: “How can we blame Hilary for Iraq?”

No less than ten candidates will be there. Ten candidates! Did somebody outlaw golf?

Newsbreaks for Wednesday

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FDA officials are warning that young adults taking antidepressants face an increased risk of suicidal behavior. Now there’s a medicine! “Warning: taking this aspirin may cause severe migraines.”

Police nationwide are reporting a new phenomenon: flavored meth. Apparently dealers are cutting the drug with things like Strawberry Quick to make it more palatable. I knew there was something shady about him. He’ll even tat you up.

Suddenly he makes sense, too.

Here in LA, the dealers only sell low-carb, whole-grain meth. Used to be Atkins, but then a study said that wasn’t good for you.

Thousands of young mothers are gathering in the Philippines in an attempt to break the world’s record for simultaneous breast-feeding. Wow, all those bare bosoms—it’s like life imitates French TV.

Said one participant, “Even if we don’t set the record, we’ll still get the booby prize.”

Newsbreaks for Tuesday

Audio version is here.

Text:
In a speech today to the US Central Command, President Bush said that “failure in Iraq is not an option.” Yeah, apparently it’s mandatory.

Once again, the State Department is calling Iran the world's leading state sponsor of terrorism. Iran dismissed the report, but does admit to buying a few brownies at a Hezbollah bake sale.

“So we sponsored them in a kickball tournament, so what?”

A new study says that polar sea ice is melting much faster than previously thought.
[picture of polar bear]
“If any of you come up here, I swear I am SO going to eat you.”

And finally, at Concordia College in Minnesota, about 200 students decided to celebrate their graduation by jumping naked into a nearby pond. Efforts to get the students out were unsuccessful—then one security officer had a bright idea: “Hey! There are leeches in there.”