Newsbreaks for Wednesday

Audio version is here.

Text:
In Damascus, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi met with Bassar Assad, the President of Syria. She characterized their conversation as “productive,” which is diplomatic code for “we compared Bush impressions.”

For the third time, videotape has surfaced of an off-duty Chicago police officer involved in a bar fight. “These are no longer isolated incidents,” Jesse Jackson said, “but a clear, repeating pattern of cops drumming up business.”

Today, Northern Ireland took another small step towards peace: for the first time ever, Protestant leader Ian Paisley shook hands with Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern….The meeting was sponsored by Purell.
Afterwards, the two men visited the site of the Battle of the Boyne, where Protestant forces defeated a Catholic army in 1690. The two groups have been playing “double-or-nothing” ever since.

As the two men stood, Paisley was heard to say, “[inhale] Smells like victory.” Ahern laughed, which of course is diplomatic code for “what a dick.”