Newsbreaks for Tuesday

Audio version is here.

Officials at Virginia Tech have decided to reopen Norris Hall, the site of April’s mass-murder. “It’s time to move on, to heal,” President Charles Steger said. “Let the nicknaming begin!”

“Uh, President Steger? Mr. Norris is on the phone. He wants his money back.”

Ben Bernanke, the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, said today he expects the US economy to shake off its currently anemic growth. “And if it doesn’t,” Bernanke said, “I will shave off my exquisitely well-groomed beard.”

Look at his neck…The more I look at this photo, the more convinced I get that the Bernanke men all have a “sweater problem.”

And finally, a woman in Salt Lake City was recently the victim of a very odd robbery. As she was filling her car with gas, a man came up behind her, stuck a gun in her back, and forced her to fill up his SUV…This perfect metaphor for the war in Iraq has been brought to you by ExxonMobil.