Newsbreaks for Thursday

Audio version is here.

The bald eagle, once nearly extinct, has been taken off the endangered species list. As a result of the ruling, the eagle will now be known by its new name: “chicken.”

“We think every American should be pleased by this news,” the White House said. “Now can everybody please shut up about the environment?”

The eagle has been under the protection of the Endangered Species Act. At least that’s what liberals call it. Conservatives call it “which animals to make fun of when we want to build a power plant.”

Since this is the Bush Administration, you have to wonder: are the eagles really safe, or have they just been voting Democratic? “We’ll thin those bastards out!”

The birds’ comeback is largely due to an unexpected ability to adapt to urban sprawl.

By the way, do you know how French people pronounce “Mall of America”? “Le redundant.”