Newsbreaks 8.28.07 (Potty-training)

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According to the AP, more and more parents are attempting to toilet-train their children from birth. Actually, from the article, I can’t tell how many people are doing it. Maybe the writer just has freaky friends. That’s how freelancing gets done—trust me, I used to do it. Nothing you read in the media is an actual “trend.” It’s some writer either trying to butter someone up, or shame them into acting normal.

Apparently, even tiny babies can be trained to signal when they need to “go potty.” That’s the clinical term for it, comes from the Latin. If it was me, I’d give them a little air horn. [imitates air horn] It’s not pleasant, but you want to make sure you hear it.

A woman for DiaperFreeBaby.org—I guess “.com” was taken—says that infants as young as 3 to 4 months can be trained to initiate bowel movements on cue. I imagine someone with a baton. With enough kids, you could create the ultimate weapon.

These techniques mimic ones that have been used for millennia in places like rural Africa, where people are too poor to afford diapers. Okay, but on the other hand—when you live in rural Africa, the world is your bathroom. In rural Africa, it’s impossible to take an unscheduled dump in the middle of a Payless.

Pretty soon, every public bathroom will have to have a cartoon character painted on the stall. “Howdy, Partner! You have to be 36 inches tall to ride this ride.” It’s all fun and games until some preemie takes the plunge.

This article is being forwarded like crazy around the corporate headquarters of all the diaper manufacturers. Get ready for some big-budget “scare stories.” [photo of Michael Jackson] “HE wants easy access to your child’s genitalia.”