Newsbreaks 8.1.07 (Teacher on Shuttle)

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Twenty one years after the Challenger disaster, NASA is about to send another schoolteacher into space. What do they have against teachers? I thought they were all the good students.

This stunt is designed to reverse some bad publicity at NASA, currently fighting rumors that some of its astronauts have flown drunk. Here’s a photo of the mission commander, Scott Kelly, arriving to get suited up…What’s he holding?…Oh, okay. I thought it was a bottle of tonic.

The mission is being delayed while they fix a cabin leak, but whenever Endeavor does lift off, one of its passengers will be Barbara Morgan. Like McAuliffe, Morgan will sit in the middle seat on the ship's lower level. “My butt feels cold…as if there’s some kind of eerie presence…”

NASA denies that this is just a morbid publicity stunt. “This mission will allow us to conduct important research. If humanity is ever going to colonize other planets, we need to find out why teachers explode at high altitude.”

Unlike McAuliffe, who was supposed to conduct lessons about life in space—“Lesson one: it’s short!”—Morgan's teaching will be limited to an hour of answering questions from schoolchildren. Who planned this? It’s August! The only kids in school are the ones forced to take summer school. “So, are there any questions for Ms. Morgan?…Come on, people, this uplink is costing a million dollars a second…Wake up, Spicoli!”

NASA officials say Morgan’s flight is designed to inspire children. As somebody who was a kid at the time, I’ll tell you, Christa McAuliffe certainly inspired me. “Eff that!”

If time permits, Morgan will also make videos of the crew's activities as educational materials. “Okay, kids: here’s how to do a zero-g tequila shooter.”