Okay, I lied.

No new Newsbreaks today. But Monday--definitely.

Game called on account of Beatles

I'll be back tomorrow. I hope.

Newsbreaks 8.29.07 (2nd Anniversary of Katrina)

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In New Orleans today for the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush marked the occasion with a moment of silence. In other words, he just stood there. “And…scene. That was me during Katrina. Wanna see me during 9/11?”

After six or seven other moments of silence, the Performance-Artist-in-Chief continued with his speech. "New Orleans,” the President said, “is going to be better tomorrow than it is today." “Yeah you right,” somebody yelled. “You won’t be here.”

Did you know that the levees won’t be finished until 2015? If George Bush had been running D-Day, both sides would’ve just turned French.

2015 is eight hurricane seasons from now. Eight. President Bush has this charming habit of playing Russian roulette while aiming the gun at other people.

This guy has been President for six years, and I still can’t decide whether he’s mildly retarded or terrifyingly brilliant. Getting it done by 2015 is a lousy way to protect New Orleans, but it’s perfect timing to blame a Democratic incumbent. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for President Jenna.

Meanwhile, the press is reporting that unidentified pranksters did a number on Karl Rove’s Jaguar. They wrapped it in plastic, put eagles on the back, and stuck a big Barack Obama poster in the back window. Is it too obvious to say something like, “These are your tax dollars at work”?

I’m just glad Rove is taking it in the right spirit. You never know with these guys—one man’s harmless prank is another man’s Reichstag fire.

Newsbreaks 8.28.07 (Potty-training)

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According to the AP, more and more parents are attempting to toilet-train their children from birth. Actually, from the article, I can’t tell how many people are doing it. Maybe the writer just has freaky friends. That’s how freelancing gets done—trust me, I used to do it. Nothing you read in the media is an actual “trend.” It’s some writer either trying to butter someone up, or shame them into acting normal.

Apparently, even tiny babies can be trained to signal when they need to “go potty.” That’s the clinical term for it, comes from the Latin. If it was me, I’d give them a little air horn. [imitates air horn] It’s not pleasant, but you want to make sure you hear it.

A woman for DiaperFreeBaby.org—I guess “.com” was taken—says that infants as young as 3 to 4 months can be trained to initiate bowel movements on cue. I imagine someone with a baton. With enough kids, you could create the ultimate weapon.

These techniques mimic ones that have been used for millennia in places like rural Africa, where people are too poor to afford diapers. Okay, but on the other hand—when you live in rural Africa, the world is your bathroom. In rural Africa, it’s impossible to take an unscheduled dump in the middle of a Payless.

Pretty soon, every public bathroom will have to have a cartoon character painted on the stall. “Howdy, Partner! You have to be 36 inches tall to ride this ride.” It’s all fun and games until some preemie takes the plunge.

This article is being forwarded like crazy around the corporate headquarters of all the diaper manufacturers. Get ready for some big-budget “scare stories.” [photo of Michael Jackson] “HE wants easy access to your child’s genitalia.”

Newsbreaks 8.27.07 (Gonzales' departure)

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Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today that he’s resigning, effective September 17th. Mr. Gonzales said, quote, “I want to spend more time wiretapping my family.”

It’s not clear who will be the next Attorney General. I say it should be a computer. Introducing the Gonzales 9000—you just feed the Constitution in one end, and the machine does the exact opposite.

The pressure on Gonzales to resign has been relentless. I must’ve gotten five or six emails about it. When the Santa Monica Peace Party talks, Alberto Gonzales listens!

Democrats on the Hill are rejoicing. They say Gonzales’ resignation proves the system still works. And by “the System,” I mean, “the Bush Administration does whatever it wants, and Congress pretends it made them.”

But the Democrats know that the job isn’t over—now it’s time to really put the screws to the Administration. If things break just right, they hope to force President Bush to step down sometime after March, 2009.

I know, I shouldn’t be so hard on the Democrats. They’ve had a tough decade. But you know what they say: When the going gets tough, the tough indulge in meaningless symbolic grandstanding. Okay, okay—I’ll be nice. How about “transparently self-serving political triangulation”?

Don’t listen to me—today’s a happy day. First Rumsfeld, then Wolfowitz, then Rove, now Gonzales—this is more than just lame duck lethargy. This is a classic case of rats deserting a smirking shit.

I'll start again next week. In the meantime...

...here's a wonderful sketch from Peter Cook (the father) and Dudley Moore (Roger). Enjoy!

Happy Fun Ball

The embargo continues. Twelve hours a day on this book. I'd work less, but my boss is a jerk.

Meanwhile, behold the power of good writing. (Jon says he thinks it's Jack Handey.)

Homestar Runner!

Beatles: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Newsbreaks: No, No, No

If you don't know Homestar Runner, you should. Here's a favorite of mine.

Bush Vs. Zombies

Yes, still Beatling, but I won't leave you hanging. Here's a funny video sent to me by my friend Sam Pratt...

No Newsbreaks, New Dirk (and Steve!)

I'm back to Beatling, so here's a tremendously funny video by Dirk Voetberg and friends...

Newsbreaks for Friday (Princeton's #1)

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Princeton has been awarded the top spot in the US News rankings of America’s finest colleges. That sound you hear is thousands of bowties being loosened in celebration. And that other sound you hear is thousands of “Future Princeton Alum” t-shirts being slipped over the heads of America’s most miserable children.

Princeton’s triumph comes as more and more schools are opting out of the annual report, which they call “a beauty pageant.” Trust me, it might be many things, but if an Ivy League school is winning it, it’s not a beauty pageant.

Seriously, the critics have a point, and I’m not just saying that because Yale came in third. Actually, that’s pretty good, given its obvious handicap. [picture of Bush]

I’m saying it because the last thing schools like Harvard, Yale and Princeton need is another reason to get all high on themselves. They don’t really consider themselves part of the United States—which would be fine, except they keep inflicting their alumni on the rest of us.

Fact is, graduates of Yale, Harvard, and Princeton cause much of the world’s woe. If you see someone in a business suit doing the perp walk, or in front of a bullet-pocked wall about to be shot by an angry mob, you can pretty much guess where they graduated.

On a personal level, I do my best to keep the destruction down to a minimum—you think you don’t like Newsbreaks? Just be happy I don’t run the Federal Reserve. Instead of being actually evil, I try to top out at “mildly annoying.”

Oh well, failed again.

Newsbreaks 8.16.07 (Life as simulation)

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An Oxford professor named Nick Bostrom believes that it’s “almost certain” that what we experience as reality is merely a computer simulation, controlled by an advanced intelligence. It is also “almost certain” that this dude was at ComiCon last month.

The ramifications of Bostrom’s theory are quite profound: all of human existence may simply be a weird species of porn. Fine—at least somebody’s enjoying it. But what it all boils down to on a strictly human level is this: yes, it’s okay to punch Ann Coulter. In fact, God would probably be psyched if you did. “Look at that dude! He’s totally freaking out.”

If life is like The Sims, or better yet, D&D, things suddenly make a lot more sense. Because as anybody who played D&D can tell you, there are only two appropriate responses to any situation:
1) I kill it.
2) I try to have sex with it.

When I heard Bostrom’s theory, I wasn’t squiked out or anything. I was relieved. It explains a lot. Why, for example, Steve Jobs thinks he’s God.

But Professor Bostrom hasn’t answered the biggest question of all: who owns the movie rights?

Newsbreaks for Wednesday (Roaring 20s)

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A new study says that reckless behavior normally associated with teenagers now extends into the mid-20s. You know what kind of behavior I’m talking about: binge drinking, risky sex, fighting in Iraq…

If I was still in my 20s, I’d make sure my parents got a copy of this report. Maybe two, in case the first one got vomit on it. But since I’m a little older, I immediately thought of bad roommates…In every group, there’s one guy who’s always late on the rent. The guy who makes Ramen when it’s his turn to cook. The guy with the moaning girlfriend. Well, if this study is accurate, he’s not just an a-hole, he’s a trend.

All sorts of groups have noticed the shift in behavior. For example, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy announced it would now include mothers in their 20s and 30s. I guess the plan is, they’ll come from one side, Kevorkian’ll come from the other. In twenty years, there’ll be no one left.

I have to admit I read this story with a bit of regret. I never did any of those things in my 20s—at least I don’t think I did. Maybe I blacked out. Anyway, now I’m 38 and the fun is over. Of course, people my age also indulge in risky behavior. Like getting a mortgage.

Newsbreaks for Tuesday (Lincoln's face)

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Scientists believe that Abraham Lincoln may have had a facial defect called microsomia, where one side of his face was much smaller than the other. This condition is also known as “fucked-up face.”

Microsomia joins a long list of ailments — including smallpox, heart disease and depression — that modern doctors have diagnosed in Lincoln. Just once, I’d like to hear what parts of Lincoln worked. Clearly other things made up for all those flaws. “I know you won’t believe me, but Abraham Lincoln had a spectacular ass. He was like a dancer, or something.”

I think we should give Bush everything Lincoln had. We could probably do it in a weekend. Smallpox and depression—they practically do themselves. For heart disease, we could borrow Cheney’s; he’s not using it. The only hard part would be shrinking Bush’s face without shrinking his brain, too…Actually that’s perfect—he’s leaving.

Scientists don’t know what causes microsomia, but they do note that, as a boy, Lincoln was kicked in the head by a horse. This plan of mine’s getting better and better. “Excuse me, Mr. Bush? I think you might want to look at this horse. Its back hoof has a secret message from Jesus.”

Mount Rushmore sculptor Gutzon Borglum described the left side of Lincoln's face as “unfinished.” Lincoln’s ghost retaliated by killing Borglum six months before Mount Rushmore was complete. Lincoln was noted for his sense of humor. And his practice of “dim mak,” or “the death touch.”

Newsbreaks for Monday (Rove's departure)

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A state-run newspaper in China is reporting that the executive responsible for all those lead-tainted toys has killed himself. Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated piece of news, Karl Rove is leaving the White House…God, if he were only Chinese…

President Bush said, quote, “Karl’s moving on down the road.” God, I hate the folksy thing. It’s like Thurston Howell III pretending to be a Beverly Hillbilly. “I’m rich as hell, but you can’t hate me because I’m also inarticulate.” He’s like a corn-pone Nixon. “Sure, my background gave me opportunities you didn’t have. But don’t worry, I didn’t take advantage of them.”

Rove said, “I'm grateful to have been a witness to history.” Whatever you were, Karl, it wasn’t a witness. Witnesses can be called to testify.

“At month's end," Rove continued, "I will join those whom you meet in your travels”—what is he, President Appleseed?—“the ordinary Americans who tell you they are praying for you."

At least that part is true—we are praying for President Bush. Because it’s obvious what happens when he’s on his own.

Q: Okay, when are you going to start up again?

A: Next week. I won't be anywhere near finished with the draft, but at least I won't be totally screwed.

Meanwhile, I encourage you to go read some columns by my very funny friend, Mark Bazer.

The siege continues...

Day 444 of the Great Beatle Book Freak-Out. Meanwhile, here's something funny from Dirk Voetberg...

Newsbreaks Greatest Hits #1

(Folks, I'm up against several deadlines regarding this Beatles novel I'm doing, so here's a Newsbreaks from earlier this summer. Enjoy.)



Audio version is here.

The bald eagle, once nearly extinct, has been taken off the endangered species list. As a result of the ruling, the eagle will now be known by its new name: “chicken.”

“We think every American should be pleased by this news,” the White House said. “Now can everybody please shut up about the environment?”

The eagle has been under the protection of the Endangered Species Act. At least that’s what liberals call it. Conservatives call it “which animals to make fun of when we want to build a power plant.”

Since this is the Bush Administration, you have to wonder: are the eagles really safe, or have they just been voting Democratic? “We’ll thin those bastards out!”

The birds’ comeback is largely due to an unexpected ability to adapt to urban sprawl.

By the way, do you know how French people pronounce “Mall of America”? “Le redundant.”

Newsbreaks for Tuesday (Kids and McDonalds)

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A new study from the Stanford School of Medicine shows that preschoolers prefer the taste of food when they think it comes from McDonald’s. So just to update you, the score stands at Satan 453 trillion, parents zero.

When presented with the same exact food, the lead researcher said, “the kids actually thought the McDonald’s food tasted better.” That’s pretty striking. But what’s amazing is they thought the McDonald’s food tasted like food.

This study surprises no one who’s been around small children, all of whom would sell their father into slavery for a Happy Meal, if that were possible. (And rest assured, one day that will be possible.) That little kids are susceptible to marketing is not the depressing part. The depressing part is we never get any less susceptible. “No, dear, we’re not getting McDonald’s. Mommy has to go get her Wonderbra.”

The study was meant to highlight the growing problem of childhood obesity—emphasis on the ‘growing’—as if being knee-deep in huge-ass kids wasn’t enough. I’ve seen toddlers one could only classify as “gas giants.”

Fact is, this problem would be easy to solve if we really wanted to solve it. Is it any wonder that the kids in the study were all low-income? That’s not a cheeseburger, kid—it’s class warfare. And you’re lovin’ it.

Special guest star: World's Tallest Midget

Friend and fellow Record alum Matt Fogel directed the following--who will be the millionth person to see it?...Could it be YOU?



And don't miss this priceless review.

Newsbreaks 8.3.07 (The Duggars)

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A couple in Arkansas have just had their 17th child. Someone get these people TiVo.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggars have racked up ten boys and now seven girls. They’re white, of course, so this is just a fun news story, instead of say, a campaign issue.

Thirty minutes after giving birth, Michelle, aka the walking population bomb, was already talking about having another. “It went fast,” she said. Yeah, well, practice makes perfect.

All seventeen children have names that begin with “J”—that’s the kind of people we’re dealing with. They’re also—surprise!—home-schooled. I bet they’re all getting a splendid education. The Duggars have the same student-teacher ratio as the University of Arkansas. I’m not kidding. I looked it up.

At this point, Michelle’s been pregnant for over 25% of her life. And no, she’s never read any Margaret Atwood. They’ve also gone through 90,000 diapers. This landfill has been brought to you by the Duggars.

Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. But this isn’t raising a family. This is creating your own private army.

The couple, who has no other claim to fame—how could they, there’s no time—has been featured on the Discovery Channel. Unfortunately, not during “Shark Week.”

Anyway, I don’t think it’s a good idea to publicize them. If I were the Chinese, I’d be pissed.

Newsbreaks 8.2.07 (Penn and Chavez)

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Sean Penn has a new fan: Hugo Chavez. Apparently the two spoke on the phone recently, as Penn traveled through Venezuela. “I didn’t recognize him at first,” the actor said. “Somebody handed me the phone, then I heard this voice say, ‘Spicoli, this is Mr. Hand.’”

Chavez praised Penn for opposing the war in Iraq, as well as calling for the impeachment of President Bush. “It’s a fairly rare thing for me to pick up the phone,” Chavez said. “Usually I just leave comments on blogs.”

According to the Venezuelan state news service, Chavez goes by “Anonymous.” So, flame with caution.

Chavez called Penn “one of the greatest opponents to the Iraq invasion.” To the degree that’s true, it’s incredibly depressing. It’s like saying, “Our only hope to fight global warming is Laurie David.”

Over my lifetime I’ve watched this weird transformation: all our actors are frustrated politicians, and all our politicians are frustrated movie stars. Meanwhile, the rest of us are just frustrated.

The only other time this happened was during the Roman Empire, when Nero became an actor. We all know how that worked out. On the other hand, he did become the first person ever to receive the Thalberg award in advance.

Newsbreaks 8.1.07 (Teacher on Shuttle)

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Twenty one years after the Challenger disaster, NASA is about to send another schoolteacher into space. What do they have against teachers? I thought they were all the good students.

This stunt is designed to reverse some bad publicity at NASA, currently fighting rumors that some of its astronauts have flown drunk. Here’s a photo of the mission commander, Scott Kelly, arriving to get suited up…What’s he holding?…Oh, okay. I thought it was a bottle of tonic.

The mission is being delayed while they fix a cabin leak, but whenever Endeavor does lift off, one of its passengers will be Barbara Morgan. Like McAuliffe, Morgan will sit in the middle seat on the ship's lower level. “My butt feels cold…as if there’s some kind of eerie presence…”

NASA denies that this is just a morbid publicity stunt. “This mission will allow us to conduct important research. If humanity is ever going to colonize other planets, we need to find out why teachers explode at high altitude.”

Unlike McAuliffe, who was supposed to conduct lessons about life in space—“Lesson one: it’s short!”—Morgan's teaching will be limited to an hour of answering questions from schoolchildren. Who planned this? It’s August! The only kids in school are the ones forced to take summer school. “So, are there any questions for Ms. Morgan?…Come on, people, this uplink is costing a million dollars a second…Wake up, Spicoli!”

NASA officials say Morgan’s flight is designed to inspire children. As somebody who was a kid at the time, I’ll tell you, Christa McAuliffe certainly inspired me. “Eff that!”

If time permits, Morgan will also make videos of the crew's activities as educational materials. “Okay, kids: here’s how to do a zero-g tequila shooter.”