Newsbreaks for Monday

Audio version is here.

For centuries, human beings have dreamed of colonizing Mars. And why not? I mean, we’ve done so well with this planet. Now scientists say they might actually be able to do it. ‘Course, it won’t be easy: Mars has a rocky, desert-like surface, fierce ultra-violet radiation, and an atmosphere loaded with carbon dioxide. In other words, it’s the Valley.

The plan would be to pump greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, introduce bacteria to start photosynthesis and finally plant trees. So it won’t be anything like the movies; it’ll be more like driving Hummers filled with pinecones and yogurt.

NASA says the project would be called off if any life was found to already exist on Mars. Oh, sure it would. “Okay, everybody: put the vast mineral wealth back. We all gotta leave. Steve found lichen.”

If humans ever did colonize Mars, the low gravity there would cause people to grow extremely tall. Short kids would go there for summer camp. I can already see the ads in the back of The New York Times Sunday Magazine.

And of course there would be the usual corporate interest. “I claim this planet in the name of the National Basketball Association!”