Newsbreaks for Friday

Audio version is here.

Hurry up. You only have until five o’clock Eastern time to vote for the new Seven Wonders of the World. No, you can’t vote for “my wang.” They won’t take it. Don’t ask me how I know this.

The voting was initially dominated by Latin America and Asia, but in recent weeks there’s been a surge of voters from Europe and the US. This may explain the surprising emergence of the new front-runner, “New Berry Blast Doritos.”

The campaign was begun in 1999 by a Swiss adventurer named Bernard Weber. “Adventurer” is a polite way of saying, “Can’t hold a job.”

But even the chronically unemployed can come up with a good idea—(cough “Barry Trotter”). Weber’s campaign has netted over 90,000,000 votes world-wide. That’s the heartwarming part. Unfortunately, they’re being tallied by Diebold.

So don’t be surprised if you wake up tomorrow and Dick Cheney is Emperor.

“Who wants to impeach me NOW?”