Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Friday, March 30, 2007
Newsbreaks for Friday
Audio version is here.
Text:
Today, President Bush visited the veterans at Walter Reed Hospital. Secret Service officials confirmed that the visit went well, and that Mr. Bush’s “bedpan shield” functioned perfectly.
Police all over the country say they are noticing an alarming new trend: pot growing in the suburbs. More and more frequently, police raid a house in a nice neighborhood, and find it empty except for a mattress, some folding chairs, and an elaborate set up for growing pot. They call them “grow houses.” I call them “off-campus apartments.”
A Pennsylvania family is being charged with holding a woman captive for months, during which time they beat her, made her do calisthenics, and forced her have sex with their two teenaged sons. When asked why she didn’t escape, the woman said, “They told me it was a reality show.”
Chrysler announced Thursday that it will be offering satellite TV in its 2008 minivans. For an extra $470, you can receive Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel and The Cartoon Network beamed directly into the back seat…I dunno, that seems like a lot of money just to keep the kids quiet—especially when you consider how cheap it is to chloroform them.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Newsbreaks for Thursday
Audio version is here.
Text:
A judge in Illinois is preventing a Bears fan who lost a bar bet from legally changing his name to “Peyton Manning.” Judge Katherine McCarthy ruled that such a change might infringe on the quarterback’s rights. After the hearing, the fan expressed disappointment, saying, “Just for that, I’m changing it to Judge Katherine McCarthy.”
In more legal news, a New York judge has ruled that a famously feuding couple has insufficient grounds for divorce, even though they've built a wall dividing their house in two. "It's completely unfair," said Chana Taub, who's claiming physical and mental abuse. "I can totally hear him having sex through the wall."
"Don't tell her I told you this," the husband confided. "It's just a recording."
A Maryland woman claims that her Golden Retriever gave her the Heimlich manuever. After Debbie Parkhurst started choking on an apple, her dog Toby pulled her to the ground and jumped on her chest until the mouthful shot out. Then the dog ate it.
Unfortunately Toby’s gotten so much positive reinforcement, now the poor woman can’t keep any food down.
You don’t wanna know what Toby does for shin-splits.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday
Had to do these quickly, but I still think they're amusing.
Audio version is here.
Text:
A new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation claims that most of the TV commercials aimed at children advertise unhealthy junk foods, snacks, and candy. The report went on to say that “there is no doubt whatsoever that we are losing the war in Korea.”
The Foundation’s Vicky Rideout said that kids need to eat less of these foods, not more of them, if we are ever going to get a handle on childhood obesity. There’s a woman with no sense of wordplay.
Bao Xishun, the world’s tallest man, at seven feet nine inches, has finally gotten married. “People think it’s inconvenient, but it’s not,” the bride said. “For one thing, I can perform fellatio standing up.”
Oh, like you weren’t thinkin’ it. Everybody’s thinkin’ it. Look at ‘em—THEY’RE thinkin’ it.
And finally, this morning I was greeted by a headline: “Foley Page Investigation Continues.”...My God, can’t anybody stop him?
Audio version is here.
Text:
A new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation claims that most of the TV commercials aimed at children advertise unhealthy junk foods, snacks, and candy. The report went on to say that “there is no doubt whatsoever that we are losing the war in Korea.”
The Foundation’s Vicky Rideout said that kids need to eat less of these foods, not more of them, if we are ever going to get a handle on childhood obesity. There’s a woman with no sense of wordplay.
Bao Xishun, the world’s tallest man, at seven feet nine inches, has finally gotten married. “People think it’s inconvenient, but it’s not,” the bride said. “For one thing, I can perform fellatio standing up.”
Oh, like you weren’t thinkin’ it. Everybody’s thinkin’ it. Look at ‘em—THEY’RE thinkin’ it.
And finally, this morning I was greeted by a headline: “Foley Page Investigation Continues.”...My God, can’t anybody stop him?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
