Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Thursday, May 3, 2007
Newsbreaks for Thursday
Audio version is here.
Pope Benedict XVI has written a new book which offers a harsh critique of capitalism. The critique costs $24.95 and is available in bookstores worldwide.
I know, that’s a cheap shot. After all, there’s no way to communicate to billions of people for free. [sigh] Maybe someday…
Officials are increasingly worried about America’s honey bees. Beekeepers have lost about 25% of their stock in the last few months, and no one knows why. “It’s very difficult to plan for something like this,” said a spokesman for the US Department of Agriculture. “Especially if Michael Crichton doesn’t write a book about it.”
We’ve suffered bee die-offs before, but this one is different. Instead of finding corpses of workers all around the colony, these bees seem to have disappeared. Okay: Who’s stealing our bees?
The GOP is holding its first debate tonight, with one question on everybody’s lips: “How can we blame Hilary for Iraq?”
No less than ten candidates will be there. Ten candidates! Did somebody outlaw golf?
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday
Audio version is here.
FDA officials are warning that young adults taking antidepressants face an increased risk of suicidal behavior. Now there’s a medicine! “Warning: taking this aspirin may cause severe migraines.”
Police nationwide are reporting a new phenomenon: flavored meth. Apparently dealers are cutting the drug with things like Strawberry Quick to make it more palatable. I knew there was something shady about him. He’ll even tat you up.
Suddenly he makes sense, too.
Here in LA, the dealers only sell low-carb, whole-grain meth. Used to be Atkins, but then a study said that wasn’t good for you.
Thousands of young mothers are gathering in the Philippines in an attempt to break the world’s record for simultaneous breast-feeding. Wow, all those bare bosoms—it’s like life imitates French TV.
Said one participant, “Even if we don’t set the record, we’ll still get the booby prize.”
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Newsbreaks for Tuesday
Audio version is here.
Text:
In a speech today to the US Central Command, President Bush said that “failure in Iraq is not an option.” Yeah, apparently it’s mandatory.
Once again, the State Department is calling Iran the world's leading state sponsor of terrorism. Iran dismissed the report, but does admit to buying a few brownies at a Hezbollah bake sale.
“So we sponsored them in a kickball tournament, so what?”
A new study says that polar sea ice is melting much faster than previously thought.
[picture of polar bear]
“If any of you come up here, I swear I am SO going to eat you.”
And finally, at Concordia College in Minnesota, about 200 students decided to celebrate their graduation by jumping naked into a nearby pond. Efforts to get the students out were unsuccessful—then one security officer had a bright idea: “Hey! There are leeches in there.”
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