Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday
Audio version is here.
Text:
A study out today claims that New York City produces one percent of our nation’s greenhouse gases. I blame these.
[picture of steam vent]
I meant the steam vent, but the SUV works, too.
In an effort to reach its goal of reducing emissions 30% by 2030, the Bloomberg Administration has been aggressive in promoting green building and alternative fuel vehicles. But the real prime movers in the effort will have to be Ray’s Solar Panels, Ray’s Original Solar Panels, and Ray’s Famous Original Solar Panels.
Scientists have made a new flu vaccine using yellow striped caterpillars instead of hen eggs. “We’re pleased and relieved,” said one of the researchers. “We got pretty depressed after the caterpillar omelets.”
The Washington Post reports that the White House is considering naming a high-powered official to oversee our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Wait—I thought somebody was already doing that.
[chagrined picture of Bush]
And what will this new Cabinet-level position be called? “Blame Him.”
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Newsbreaks for Tuesday
Audio version is here.
Text:
A new study is warning that planting trees in far Northern latitudes could actually worsen global warming. As a result of this report, Al Gore has announced he plans to make a sequel to “Inconvenient Truth” called “Let’s Pave Scandinavia.”
An Ohio man wants the Governor of Florida to pardon rock singer Jim Morrison, who was arrested there back in 1969. The man said, “Last time I checked, it’s not a crime to write bad poetry.”
It’s a good thing. If it were, our prisons would be filled with teenaged girls. And nobody wants that except for Russ Meyer.
How about this? First, we find out who’s been wrongly convicted. Second, we deal with the War on Drugs. And then we can do nice things for dead guys.
Finally, Egypt is celebrating after the return of some tufts of hair from the Pharaoh Ramses the Second. The 3,200-year-old hair surfaced last year after a French postman tried to sell it on eBay. Which goes to show one thing: anything can be valuable if it’s old enough. Even pubes.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Newsbreaks for Monday
Audio version is here.
Text:
Yesterday’s annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn didn’t go as well as planned. One reason was the unseasonably wintry weather. Another was the President’s acting like a total baby.
An egg roll is a race where children use large spoons to roll eggs around a predetermined course. Yesterday’s event devolved into chaos after the President began rolling his egg, then refused to set a timetable for the race’s completion.
He said that doing so would “send a mixed message to my opponents.”
In an attempt to salvage the day, First Lady Laura Bush read "Duck for President," by Doreen Cronin. The book—rumored to be from George’s personal collection—tells of a duck who gets sick of farm chores and decides to run for president. It’s really a sweet story—everyone tells the duck to give up, but he keeps trying, and just when it looks like he’s about to lose, the Supreme Court gives him the job.
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