I think I'm being followed by men who look like Noam Chomsky. Anyway...
Audio version is here.
A UN report released today says that both the United States and Europe have reversed a century’s worth of deforestation, and now have more trees than ever. Unfortunately, the story in the developing nations is exactly the opposite. “What this means,” the report’s author said, “is that it’s only a matter of time before rich nations band together and declare trees a form of money.”
Archaelogists from Ball State say that a big, round ditch discovered in a wooded area in Indiana is likely some sort of an earthen enclosure built by prehistoric Indians. “Either that, or frat boys.”
Disney is launching a new website aimed at moms. The site, due to go live later this week, will be called “You’re-a-bad-mother-unless-you-buy-this-product-and/or-service.com.”
Darn it—I almost bought that domain, too!
And finally, Las Vegas’ legendary Stardust casino was demolished last night, to make way for a brand new resort. To knock the building down, they used 428 pounds of explosives…and when that didn’t work, they sent in these two guys.
I just had to get those guys in again.
Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
Newsbreaks for Monday
Audio version is here.
Text:
Dick Cheney lashed out at Democrats today, saying that any plan to defund the Iraq war was “undermining the troops.” The Vice President has always been a big supporter of our boys in uniform—it’s the ones in hospital gowns that have to watch out.
Cheney characterized the defunding as “slow bleed,” then added, “I’ve always been a ‘fast-bleed’ man, myself.”
This morning, an Air Force Reserve pilot flying off the coast of Florida had to ditch his F-16 into the Atlantic. After ejecting safely, the pilot said, “Very funny, a-holes—that knob isn’t the cigarette lighter.”
Regis Philbin, the 75-year-old host of the show “Live with Regis and Kelly,” has announced he’s going to have bypass surgery. “Nobody wants to do it,” Philbin said, “but this brain of mine has been giving me trouble for years.”
[Sub: “Philbin: In TV, brain is problem”]
Officials in Cancun, Mexico say that beaches at the spring break mecca are eroding at an alarming rate. To combat this, the town plans to build a massive artificial reef out of shotglasses.
Sony announced today that it is going to create a virtual universe for people to experience online. “It’s the logical next step,” an industry analyst said. “A corporation owns the world, and you have to pay them to live in it.”
And finally, former President Bush fainted Sunday while playing golf in Palm Springs. I guess he finally realized which one of his sons is President.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Newsbreaks for Friday
I gotta get a better microphone. Or a better mouth!
Audio version is here.
Text:
The Israeli Air Force has unveiled their most advanced surveillance drone, called the Heron. “This is a great day for all those who wish to protect the Jewish people,” said an Israeli general. “But it’s an even greater day for Israel’s voyeurs.”
Guitarist Eddie Van Halen has announced that he is entering rehab. The last 15 years have been pretty hard on Eddie. He’s gone from this to this—but the portrait over his fireplace keeps looking better and better.
Newsbreaks…Your source for Oscar Wilde humor. What a waste of a good education. Next up, David Lee Roth jokes in Latin.
The American Medical Association has taken out ads in college newspapers asking the NCAA to ban alcohol marketing from college sports. Last year, the NCAA received $52 million from liquor companies. What do you say, Magic 8-Ball? Think the NCAA’ll give up all that money?…Oh, you’re such a kidder.
And finally, biologists in Colorado are trying to figure out what has killed over 850 ducks there this winter. While they’ve ruled out bird flu, bacterial infections, and pollution, they would like to speak to this man. [photo of Elmer Fudd]
Audio version is here.
Text:
The Israeli Air Force has unveiled their most advanced surveillance drone, called the Heron. “This is a great day for all those who wish to protect the Jewish people,” said an Israeli general. “But it’s an even greater day for Israel’s voyeurs.”
Guitarist Eddie Van Halen has announced that he is entering rehab. The last 15 years have been pretty hard on Eddie. He’s gone from this to this—but the portrait over his fireplace keeps looking better and better.
Newsbreaks…Your source for Oscar Wilde humor. What a waste of a good education. Next up, David Lee Roth jokes in Latin.
The American Medical Association has taken out ads in college newspapers asking the NCAA to ban alcohol marketing from college sports. Last year, the NCAA received $52 million from liquor companies. What do you say, Magic 8-Ball? Think the NCAA’ll give up all that money?…Oh, you’re such a kidder.
And finally, biologists in Colorado are trying to figure out what has killed over 850 ducks there this winter. While they’ve ruled out bird flu, bacterial infections, and pollution, they would like to speak to this man. [photo of Elmer Fudd]
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