Newsbreaks for Wednesday--NOW on VIDEO!

Audio version is here.

Newsbreaks for Tuesday--NOW on VIDEO!

Enjoy!



Audio version is here.

Newsbreaks for Monday

Click here for podcast (extra joke).

Today, the Iraqi cabinet approved draft legislation setting out that country will divide its vast oil wealth. Though the law still has to be ratified, it appears to have support among all of Iraq's major factions: the Shi'ites, the Sunnis, the Kurds, and Halliburton.

According to Iraq's new constitution, the law won't take effect until it is approved by the Iraqi Parliament, which is Bush's nickname for his pen.

UK officials say an 8-year-old British boy who weighs 218 pounds may be taken into protective custody unless his mother improves his diet. They call the boy "obese"--of course, in American English, we'd use the term "average."

I think that boy's been on every Southwest flight I've ever taken.

The FDA is admitting that a new two-shot vaccine for bird flu isn't very effective. Said a researcher, "It's hard enough just catching the birds once."

And finally, a sorority at DePauw is in the news after some girls were kicked out for not being thin or pretty enough. "Imagine that," said the bear in the woods. "Could you hand me some toilet paper?" "Right after I finish doing my rosary," said the Pope.

Comments are back

To anybody who left a comment for the past ten months: my apologies for not responding. I love hearing from people and try to write back whenever I have something more to add. Blogger was not notifying me--they just sat waiting for moderation until this afternoon.

I just assumed nobody was reading the site!

Once again, apologies. Thanks for reading, and comment away!

Newsbreaks for Friday

Click here for podcast version.

Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix is testing a new, more sensitive type of x-ray scanner that can actually see through clothing. "Not only will this keep passengers safer, it will also save money," an airport official said. "People are working security for free."

If the device doesn't catch on in airports, the manufacturer hopes to sell them to fraternities. "Do you have any idea what the Duke University Lacrosse team could do with one of these babies?"

A KFC in Greenwich Village was closed after early morning passerby saw a dozen rats scurrying around the floor of the restaurant. The cause of the infestation was unknown, but city health officials confirmed that it involved both major species, Original Recipe and Extra Crispy.

[Sorry about that one. Had to be written.]

Slugger Sammy Sosa arrived at Texas Rangers camp today. Even though Sosa clearly isn't the superstar he once was, and has been dogged for years by rumors of steroid use, his new teammates are happy to see him. Said All-Star Mark Teixeira: "We're excited to see what he can bring...I mean, that's a lot easier than having to buy it ourselves."

And finally, Idi Amin's son Jaffir Amin is angry about the way his father was portrayed in the movie The Last King of Scotland. In an interview with Associated Press, Jaffar Amin said, "Dad is the only person that has ever been accused and sentenced...without it ever reaching any courthouse." Well, not exactly the only person--there were those 500,000 Ugandans.

You know what they say, Jaffir: payback is a sweetheart.
It's no wonder Jaffir's a little loopy--would you like to be potty-trained by Idi Amin? "Are you sure you don't have to go? The last child had his head put on a stake."

This news article makes it official: everyone is a victim. Let's reorder Maslow's hierarcy of needs: Air, water, food, sex, need to be a victim.

Just once, I'd like to hear somebody say, "I was a bloodthirsty dictator. I killed 500,000 people, and tortured political opponents, but didn't spend a day in jail. Though mine was a poor country, I lived in luxury, and had 40 children by seven different wives. Then, I fled to Saudi Arabia where I lived out the rest of my life in safety and wealth. After I died, somebody even made a movie about me.

...On the whole, I think I've been treated pretty well."

Newsbreaks for Thursday

Click here for podcast version.

A group of fishermen off the coast of New Zealand recently reeled in what is expected to be the largest squid ever caught. See, that's the thing about people like Barry Bonds--they're role models.

Ask yourself: what kind of message are we sending to our squids?

An English woman is claiming to be the mother of pop star Michael Jackson's three children. See, she obviously didn't think this through--that's like publicly admitting you had sex with Michael Jackson.

What's the old saying? Once, a philosopher, twice a pervert. What's three times? Brain damage?

Thursday, Vice President Dick Cheney made a rare visit to Australia. When asked to explain why the Vice President hasn't visited one of America's staunchest allies more often, an Austrailian official said, "As an island, Australia's ecosystem is particularly vulnerable, so we try to keep the most dangerous foreign species strictly controlled."

And finally, Buckingham Palace announced today that Prince Harry, son of Charles and Diana and third in line to the throne, will be deployed in Iraq. To give you some idea of how hazardous Harry's assignment is likely to be, the AP filed this story under "Entertainment."

Newsbreaks for Wednesday

Podcast now available!

A Wisconsin man is recovering nicely one month after being so drunk he ran through a hotel window 16 stories above the ground. Joshua Hanson says he can't remember the fall, or hitting the asphalt-covered awning that saved his life. The 29-year-old tavern owner isn't planning on cutting back on the booze, but he does now believe that "somebody has a plan for me." Yes, Josh--that somebody is you, and the plan is: cirrhosis.

Media outlets are in a frenzy over a girl from St. Petersburg, Florida, who started hiccuping four weeks ago and still can't stop. 15-year-old Jennifer Mee has been interviewed by the Today show and Inside Edition, with Good Morning America and The Ellen DeGeneres Show yet to come. She's even working on an exercise video: "Jenny Mee's Ultimate Ab Workout."

Predictably, the teenager's fame is starting to generate a backlash. "I've been farting for 37 years and can't stop either," said a man who asked not to be identified. "I smell discrimination."

Another Wisconsin man broke into an apartment February 12, because he thought he heard a woman being raped. "Where is she? Where is she?" James Van Iveren demanded, waving a cavalry sabre at his terrified neighbor. It turned out to be a porn DVD. "I've been saying it for years," a policeman said. "These home-theater systems are a double-edged sword."

The neighbor's moving out. He's looking for an apartment over a guy who collects action figures.

And finally, a goalie for the University of Southern California hockey team waited for a slow moment in Monday's game against BYU, then dropped his pants and mooned the crowd. "I'm glad I didn't fall down," said Mike Meyer. "My butt was sweaty, and I was afraid I might stick."

Newsbreaks for Tuesday

Podcast now available!

San Francisco Giants' slugger Barry Bonds arrived at spring training today, a day later than the rest of the team. When asked about the delay, Bonds said, "I had trouble finding a vein."

A Federal appeals court ruled today that people detained at Guantanamo Bay by the American military cannot appeal their detention in civil court. In other words, if you want to be let out, you have to ask the people responsible for throwing you in...Oh, someday we'll look back on these years and laugh. Or something.

The world's most premature baby Amilia Taylor, who was born after only 22 weeks in the womb, is just about ready to go home with her parents. Doctors at the Miami hospital where the baby was born last October say little Amilia's prospects are good, but want to keep her a few more days. "If we keep her any longer than that," said a doctor, "we're afraid she might try to escape."

And finally, today is Fat Tuesday, and that means one thing: New Orleans is celebrating. The good news is, only 18 months after Katrina, tourism has been strong. But down in the Big Easy, there's still one question on everybody's mind: can the levees take all that pee and vomit?

Newsbreaks for Monday

Podcast now available!

The web site of a museum dedicated to the JFK assassination has unveiled new footage showing President Kennedy's motorcade. The silent, 8 mm color film offers "the clearest, best film of Jackie in the motorcade," said Gary Mack, curator of the Sixth Floor Museum. "You can clearly see that she has a gun."

The funny thing is, after all we've learned about JFK and women, would anybody really blame her? "No jury would ever convict me!"

Accusations that the new film is CIA disinformation in three...two...one...

Monday, a few days before George Washington's 275th birthday, President Bush compared the Revolutionary War to his own War on Terror. ""On the field of battle, Washington's forces were facing a mighty empire, and the odds against them were overwhelming," Bush said. "His ragged army lost more battles than it won, suffered waves of desertions, and stood on the brink of disaster many times. Yet George Washington's calm hand and determination kept the cause of independence alive...Okay, you know what?" President Bush said. "I just realized we're screwed."

Monday, Wal-Mart announced plans to put nine new stores in areas across the US which are in need of economic revitalization. With luck, Wal-Mart hopes to create the same thriving economy, community spirit, and sense of hope for the future it has spread throughout so many of America's small towns.

Said Wal-Mart Vice Chairman John Menzer, "Areas like this don't need another jobs program. They don't need the government coming in and telling everybody what to do. No. What America's struggling communitiies need are 50 pound jars of dill pickles. And a 78-year-old woman carrying it out to your car."

On Saturday, over 8,900 people in Bismarck, N.D, gathered on the grounds of the State Capitol, to set a new world's record for most snow angels. The town's mayor was ebullient. "Yes, there's an awful lot to do in Bismarck, N.D."

And that's the capitol.

Trying to woo conservative voters, Presidential candidate John McCain told an audience Sunday that Roe versus Wade should be repealed. "Frankly," McCain said, "we can't spare the troops."

But widespread doubts remain about Senator McCain's electability. After all, he actually went to Vietnam.

Newsbreaks for Friday

Podcast now available!


Thanks to pressure from the NCAA, the University of Illinois will finally retire its mascot, Chief Illiwek. However, the NCAA plans to keep its mascot, the dollar bill.

Lawyers for the estate of Federico Fellini are suing a New York-based pornographer who has used the name "La Dolce Vita" for two gay smut films. "Uh-oh," said filmmaker Andrei Treivas Bregman. "If they don't like those two, they're really gonna hate 8 1/2."

Last night, Paris Hilton attended the Vienna Opera Ball and looked visibly bored through the whole thing. Commentators covering the society event for Austrian TV speculated that Hilton was annoyed by the tepid reaction she got when she stood up and yelled, "Does anybody want to see my cooter?"

Some US consumers who used the internet to order cheap Ambien, Xanax and other popular drugs, ended up getting powerful anti-psychotics instead. An FDA official was blunt. "The only kind of drugs we advocate people buy over the internet is anti-stupid pills."

Said one scammed consumer, "Not only did I end up in the emergency room, those pills did absolutely nothing for the s12e of my peniis."

Newsbreaks for Thursday

Podcast now available!

Fox News has hired Joel Surnow, the creator of terror-porn smash '24' to create a right-wing version of The Daily Show. Says Surnow, "You can turn on any comedy satire show on TV and you're going to hear 10 Bush jokes, 10 Cheney jokes, but you'll never hear a Hillary Clinton." Yep, if there's anybody who's gotten a pass from comedians, it's Hillary Clinton.
Surnow also bemoans the absence of comedy challenging global warming. He said, "I don't get it. Exxon/Mobil's prepared to pay a million per sketch."
The show working title was, "We Promise Not to Challenge Any of Your Preconceived Notions." But once FOX slotted it for Sunday nights at 10pm, they changed it to, "You are Getting Sleepy, Very Sleepy."


Japan's National Police Agency reported that students punished for bullying offenses jumped 41% from 2005. They believe the rise is due to Japanese schools' intense competition, an emphasis on conformity, and the death of Mr. Miyagi.

The State of New Mexico recently spent $10,000 on talking urinal cakes designed to reduce drunk driving. The cakes, speaking in a female voice, ask the urinal user if he's had a few too many. "I didn't think so, but then the urinal started talking."
One drunk said, "Well, Mom, if you'd give me a little freakin' space, maybe I wouldn't have to drink."

America's biggest candy-maker, Hershey Foods, announced that it was cutting 1,500 jobs and building a large new plant in Mexico. Unions officials responded angrily to the news. "Hershey's Kiss my ass," one said. "With almonds!"

Al Gore was in Los Angeles Thursday, announcing a series of rock concerts designed to raise awareness about climate change. The concerts will include the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bon Jovi, Snoop Dogg, and 12,000 people backstage, pedaling like crazy to power the amplifiers.

Newsbreaks for Wednesday

Podcast now available!


In a press conference today, President Bush said he was certain that Iran was supplying deadly weapons to the Iraqi insurgency, and pledged that he was "going to do something about it." The President then went on to define the term "deja vu."

Comedian Al Franken announced today that he was running for the US Senate in 2008. When asked why he was running, Franken said bluntly, "The events of the past few years have demonstrated that it's not enough to say the right things. People must step up. Citizens have to make their voices heard. That's the only way we'll ever get SNL off the air."

Tuesday, a tornado ripped through areas of New Orleans still rebuilding from the disaster of Hurricane Katrina. Said one resident, "This is like living in Sodom and Gomorrah, but with none of the good parts."

In Jerusalem, members of the Israeli parliament are debating whether to oust that country's President, who faces rape and sexual assault charges. President Bush expressed his support saying, "I told Moishe a million times: just do it to the country."

American Idol judge Paula Abdul is coming clean about, well, being clean. "I've never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs," she says in a new interview with US Weekly. "Just look at my 20-year career." Paula, honey, we're trying to give you an excuse.

Newsbreaks for Tuesday

Podcast now available!


The U.S. Navy said Monday that it is considering deploying specially trained dolphins to keep a base near Seattle safe from terrorism. "It's the perfect solution," a spokesman admitted. "Not only do dolphins' remarkable sonar abilities allow them to detect unauthorized swimmers and divers, their inability to speak makes them perfect scapegoats."

Two years after it became the first state to support so-called intelligent design, the Kansas State School Board is expected to return to the theories of Charles Darwin. "What can I say?" a boardmember explained. "We've evolved."

Last month a substitute teacher in rural Connecticut was convicted of showing a room full of seventh-graders computer porn. The teacher, who blames spyware, is trying to take the long view. "I may spend 40 years behind bars, but I'll spend a lifetime as the coolest sub EVER."

Tuesday, Omar Sharif was ordered to take an anger management course after punching a parking valet who refused to accept his European currency. That's nothing--you should see what he does when you beat him at bridge.

An international team of archaeologists believe that chimpanzees may have been using stone hammers as long as 4,300 years ago. "We also believe they worked very cheap," a researcher said.

Newsbreaks--2.12.07

Podcast now available!

The International Space Station lost power for a few hours on Sunday. Officials said that the batteries became drained after the crew got obsessed with trying to get their Nintendo Wii to work in zero-gravity.

The Israeli Defense Ministry announced Monday that had it had tested that country's state-of-the-art anti-missile system. "The test was a complete success," said the official. "President Bush picked up on the first ring."

Two teenagers in Ohio are in hot water after they used their school's computer system to announce a fake snow day. The two girls were hauled into Butler County Juvenile court and given $500,000 each...at least that's what the court's computer says.

Last week, President Bush issued new orders for how federal personnel should respond to a nuclear, biological or chemical attack. "The guidelines are simple," Bush said. "Do the opposite of whatever Michael Brown tells you to do."

A town deep in the Swiss alps is considering putting up a giant mirror to reflect the sun's rays for the three months out of the year when the town receives no sunlight. The town's mayor denies he has any intention of turning it into "my own personal Death Ray."

Newsbreaks--2.11/2.12.07

Podcast now available!

The U.S. Military is claiming that the government of Iran is arming insurgent militias in Iraq, raising the question of whether the war is widening. Now maybe it's me, but the idea of invading Iran to fix Iraq seems like trying to fix your marriage by having an affair.

Harvard University named its first female President Sunday. When told of the news, former President Lawrence Summers said, "Tell her there's a calculator in the desk if she needs one."

North Dakotans living in sin can rest a little easier, after their State Senate passed a bill downgrading cohabitation from a sex crime to merely fraud. Then the Senate passed another law which changed the state's calendars from 1850 to 1950.

Arkansas lawmakers have rejected a plan to honor Revolutionary War figure Thomas Paine, after some objected to Paine's writings. ""He did some good things for the nation, but the book that he wrote was anti-Christian and anti-Jewish," said one lawmaker. "I mean, it'd be totally different if he'd just owned a couple of slaves."

A human rights organization is claiming that real-life interrogators in Iraq are taking cues from what they see on American TV. One soldier, speaking anonymously, agreed, saying, "The stuff on '24' is useful, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes we have to go all 'American Idol.'"

My funny wife...

...has written this funny post, over at her blog.

Newsbreaks--2.9.07

Podcast now available!


After discovering that many of their stadiums do not come up to code, Italian soccer officials have announced that several upcoming games will be played in front of no spectators. That's too bad...Still, it's nice to see after years of trying to convince us to play their type of football, they've given in and started to play our type of soccer.

An evangelical Lutheran church in Atlanta is removing its pastor after he revealed that he had found a same-sex life-partner. A spokesman explained, "Church officials must embody the message of Jesus Christ, so powerfully expressed by His long and fruitful heterosexual marriage."

Investigators believe that George Bush's uncle, William "Bucky" Bush, has profited illegally from a defense contractor involved in the war in Iraq. Mr. Bush's lawyer denied these charges, saying, "If there's one thing the Bush family is against, it's using this war for their own personal gain."

Members of the group The Police are reuniting for a concert at The Grammies, followed by a gig at LA's famed Whiskey-a-Go-Go. The concerts will mark 30 years since the group was formed, and 20 years since anybody gave a shit.

After Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in a Florida hotel room Thursday, her lawyer released a brief statement: "In her too-short life, Anna Nicole gave pleasure to so many people--not just voyeurs looking to distract themselves from their own wretched lives, but also compulsive masterbators. And let's not forget hacky TV joke writers...Obviously, there's a lot of overlap here."

Newsbreaks--2.8.07

Podcast now available!


Forty-eight hours after love-struck astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested for attempted murder, NASA pledged that it would revamp its psychological screening process. "For one thing," a NASA official said, "we'll take it more seriously when an astronaut gets a tattoo saying, 'Death from Above.'"

Wednesday, a man was accused of riding the ski lift at a Vermont resort in the nude. Bystanders also reported seeing him touching himself inappropriately. When police apprehended him, the man said, "Thanks for distracting me--now I have to start again."

A legislator from Brooklyn has proposed a law where anyone crossing the street while wearing an iPod, talking on a cell phone, or using a Blackberry would pay a $100 fine. This would supercede the current law, where cabbies are paid a bounty.

Days after Texas Governor Rick Perry signed an order mandating that schoolgirls be inoculated against the virus that causes cervical cancer, Republican lawmakers in that state are more determined than ever to fight. When asked why he opposed the vaccinations, a Republican lawmaker said, "I've always believed that there are some principles worth other people's dying for."

Southern Methodist University is still in an uproar over the proposed Bush Presidential Library. Opponents object to plans to house a conservative think-tank on the site, while supporters say, "Give us a break--we've got to fill the Library with something."

Scientists in Italy have discovered the remains of a 5,000-year-old couple that were buried together, clutched in a romantic embrace. Details of how the couple died are unclear, but police are looking for a prehistoric astronaut.

Amazing Grace by Eric Metaxas

Devoted Record alum and all-around nice guy, Eric Metaxas '82, has a new book coming out. It's called Amazing Grace, and it's a biography of William Wilberforce, the British abolitionist.

Eric writes:
...[T]his biography is the official tie-in book for the feature film Amazing Grace, which comes to theaters on Feb. 23rd, the bicentennial of the historic day on which Wilberforce’s dream of abolition of the slave trade in the British Empire was at last realized. If you haven’t seen a trailer for the film yet, go here...If you are interested in buying the book, please do it through my website today or tomorrow if possible, because it’s very important to show early interest.

Eric's gonna be on "Talk of the Nation" on February 22nd, and the 700 Club the 23rd (nobody bridges America's cultural divide like Old Owl). Other media appearances will be announced on his website, www.ericmetaxas.com. I'll see if I can't track Eric down to talk about the book and his days on The Record.

Rasputin Bigbodie

I've been spending a lot of time over at Rasputin Bigbodie, The Yale Record's alumni blog. Come visit, you might like it.