Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Thursday, May 31, 2007
Newsbreaks for Thursday
Audio version is here.
White House spokesman Tony Snow said yesterday that President Bush sees South Korea as a model for US involvement in Iraq. In other words, American soldiers stationed there for decades, with World War III possible at any moment. Snow called this policy “Uneasy Peace in Our Time.”
“The President knows this course will take great courage and resolve,” Snow continued. “And, every night, a fistful of Ambien.”
Federal authorities in Seattle say they’ve arrested one of the world’s worst producers of Spam email. Twenty-seven year-old Robert Soloway has pleaded not guilty to all charges saying, “I HAVE made millions working from home.”
Authorities say that, as a result of the arrest, internet users may actually notice a decrease in the amount of Spam. Wow, I didn’t realize he had to type each one.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday
Audio version is here.
The World Health Organization has announced that using a water pipe to smoke tobacco may be just as harmful as smoking cigarettes. This reverses the popular belief among American users, who never thought of using it to smoke tobacco.
A New York pit bull with severe heart and lung problems has been saved by a unique remedy: Viagra. God, I hope this doesn’t catch on. You thought being bitten by a pit bull was bad…
And finally, Scientists in New Zealand have created a genetically modified cow that produces low-fat milk. Of course, they don’t look so great.
Next up: chocolate milk.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Newsbreaks for Tuesday
Audio version is here.
NASA announced today that its new space vehicle, the Orion, will be outfitted with a safety system. “If anything goes wrong with the flight,” a spokesman said, “the crew could activate a mission abort rocket that would propel them to safety.” That’s great; now if they could just invent one for the Blue states…
Bank of America and insurer Aetna have teamed up to offer a credit card that gives you extra points for health care expenses. Said one new cardholder, “I’ve adopted ten of these in the past month. I should be a millionaire by Christmas.”
And finally, on Memorial Day, ten more American soldiers died in Iraq. You’ve got to admire what Bush has set up—it’s quite elegant. Soldiers die, we remember them, get sad and angry, so we keep fighting, so more soldiers die…Once you start it up, it’s a perpetual re-election machine—all you have to do is find a war. You can even make one up.
Anybody see a mission abort-rocket around here?
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