Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Friday, August 17, 2007
Newsbreaks for Friday (Princeton's #1)
For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.
Princeton has been awarded the top spot in the US News rankings of America’s finest colleges. That sound you hear is thousands of bowties being loosened in celebration. And that other sound you hear is thousands of “Future Princeton Alum” t-shirts being slipped over the heads of America’s most miserable children.
Princeton’s triumph comes as more and more schools are opting out of the annual report, which they call “a beauty pageant.” Trust me, it might be many things, but if an Ivy League school is winning it, it’s not a beauty pageant.
Seriously, the critics have a point, and I’m not just saying that because Yale came in third. Actually, that’s pretty good, given its obvious handicap. [picture of Bush]
I’m saying it because the last thing schools like Harvard, Yale and Princeton need is another reason to get all high on themselves. They don’t really consider themselves part of the United States—which would be fine, except they keep inflicting their alumni on the rest of us.
Fact is, graduates of Yale, Harvard, and Princeton cause much of the world’s woe. If you see someone in a business suit doing the perp walk, or in front of a bullet-pocked wall about to be shot by an angry mob, you can pretty much guess where they graduated.
On a personal level, I do my best to keep the destruction down to a minimum—you think you don’t like Newsbreaks? Just be happy I don’t run the Federal Reserve. Instead of being actually evil, I try to top out at “mildly annoying.”
Oh well, failed again.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Newsbreaks 8.16.07 (Life as simulation)
For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.
An Oxford professor named Nick Bostrom believes that it’s “almost certain” that what we experience as reality is merely a computer simulation, controlled by an advanced intelligence. It is also “almost certain” that this dude was at ComiCon last month.
The ramifications of Bostrom’s theory are quite profound: all of human existence may simply be a weird species of porn. Fine—at least somebody’s enjoying it. But what it all boils down to on a strictly human level is this: yes, it’s okay to punch Ann Coulter. In fact, God would probably be psyched if you did. “Look at that dude! He’s totally freaking out.”
If life is like The Sims, or better yet, D&D, things suddenly make a lot more sense. Because as anybody who played D&D can tell you, there are only two appropriate responses to any situation:
1) I kill it.
2) I try to have sex with it.
When I heard Bostrom’s theory, I wasn’t squiked out or anything. I was relieved. It explains a lot. Why, for example, Steve Jobs thinks he’s God.
But Professor Bostrom hasn’t answered the biggest question of all: who owns the movie rights?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday (Roaring 20s)
For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.
A new study says that reckless behavior normally associated with teenagers now extends into the mid-20s. You know what kind of behavior I’m talking about: binge drinking, risky sex, fighting in Iraq…
If I was still in my 20s, I’d make sure my parents got a copy of this report. Maybe two, in case the first one got vomit on it. But since I’m a little older, I immediately thought of bad roommates…In every group, there’s one guy who’s always late on the rent. The guy who makes Ramen when it’s his turn to cook. The guy with the moaning girlfriend. Well, if this study is accurate, he’s not just an a-hole, he’s a trend.
All sorts of groups have noticed the shift in behavior. For example, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy announced it would now include mothers in their 20s and 30s. I guess the plan is, they’ll come from one side, Kevorkian’ll come from the other. In twenty years, there’ll be no one left.
I have to admit I read this story with a bit of regret. I never did any of those things in my 20s—at least I don’t think I did. Maybe I blacked out. Anyway, now I’m 38 and the fun is over. Of course, people my age also indulge in risky behavior. Like getting a mortgage.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
