Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Newsbreaks 8.1.07 (Teacher on Shuttle)
For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.
Twenty one years after the Challenger disaster, NASA is about to send another schoolteacher into space. What do they have against teachers? I thought they were all the good students.
This stunt is designed to reverse some bad publicity at NASA, currently fighting rumors that some of its astronauts have flown drunk. Here’s a photo of the mission commander, Scott Kelly, arriving to get suited up…What’s he holding?…Oh, okay. I thought it was a bottle of tonic.
The mission is being delayed while they fix a cabin leak, but whenever Endeavor does lift off, one of its passengers will be Barbara Morgan. Like McAuliffe, Morgan will sit in the middle seat on the ship's lower level. “My butt feels cold…as if there’s some kind of eerie presence…”
NASA denies that this is just a morbid publicity stunt. “This mission will allow us to conduct important research. If humanity is ever going to colonize other planets, we need to find out why teachers explode at high altitude.”
Unlike McAuliffe, who was supposed to conduct lessons about life in space—“Lesson one: it’s short!”—Morgan's teaching will be limited to an hour of answering questions from schoolchildren. Who planned this? It’s August! The only kids in school are the ones forced to take summer school. “So, are there any questions for Ms. Morgan?…Come on, people, this uplink is costing a million dollars a second…Wake up, Spicoli!”
NASA officials say Morgan’s flight is designed to inspire children. As somebody who was a kid at the time, I’ll tell you, Christa McAuliffe certainly inspired me. “Eff that!”
If time permits, Morgan will also make videos of the crew's activities as educational materials. “Okay, kids: here’s how to do a zero-g tequila shooter.”
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Newsbreaks 7.31.07 (Hollywood pigeons)
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Long plagued by piles of pigeon poop, the city of Hollywood has come up with a humane solution: it’s going to give the birds contraceptives. The plan is yet another slap in the face to the Bush Administration, which sponsored the current abstinence-only program.
They’re going to mix a special chemical in with bird food, and scatter it all around the city. “We tried condoms, but they didn’t work. The birds were actually pretty good about wearing them…But they couldn’t put them on without ripping holes in them with their feet.”
Most are applauding the plan as sensible and humane, but a few are worried about the effect on the birds’ morals. A spokesman for Focus on the Family asked, “What kind of message are we sending to our America’s children? I say, we just kill ‘em.”
Moreover, some animal rights activists are concerned about the contraceptive’s effects on the birds’ health. Officials in Hollywood aren’t concerned. “We find that very, very few pigeons smoke.”
Overbreeding may be a problem in Hollywood, but the pigeons next door in West Hollywood are a different story. There, the problem is loud dance music. And a chronic shortage of feather-styling products.
It’s unclear why there are so many pigeons in Hollywood, but a few old-timers think it’s a new twist on the same old story. “Millions of ‘em came into town back in ‘62, when Hitchcock was doing ‘The Birds.’ Every pigeon back East thought it was going to be the next Lassie. I used to see whole flocks of them pooping all over Schwab’s drugstore, hoping to get discovered…But that’s not the way this town works. You can’t just poop on somebody and become a big star. It’s the other way around.”
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