Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Monday, July 30, 2007
Newsbreaks 7.30.07 (Bergman's death)
For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.
Film director Ingmar Bergman died today at the age of 89. Reportedly, his last words were, “Hey! No cheating!”
Bergman influenced generations of directors, most notably Woody Allen, who described him as "the greatest film artist since the invention of the motion picture camera." Of course, asking Woody to describe Bergman is like asking John to describe Yoko. In homage to his idol, Allen is expected to die later this week. It all depends on what happens with the financing.
The head of the Cannes Film Festival praised Bergman for showing that “cinema can be as profound as literature. And require just as much reading.” Even Ain’t It Cool News got into the act, calling Bergman “Sweden’s Rob Zombie.”
Bergman was the last link to the golden age of foreign cinema, where themes like alienation, mortality and loss were considered awesome date movies. “What would you do if there was another Black Death? I know what I would do—I’d have sex ALL the time…” Once you get somebody thinking about the fragileness and brevity of our time here on Earth, their brastrap practically unhooks itself.
The intellectual breeds seldom, if at all; Ingmar Bergman helped everybody get laid. And that, to me, is the true definition of genius.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Newsbreaks 7.27.07 (Drunk astronauts)
For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.
NASA is reeling after a report yesterday that some of its astronauts have flown drunk. Well, maybe “reeling” isn’t the right word. How about “ashamed and remorseful”?
NASA has a rule stipulating that there be at least 12-hours from “bottle to throttle.” The fact they already have a cute nickname for it doesn’t reassure me. The popular image of astronauts is of clean-living straight-arrows in love with danger and discovery. Now we find out they’re the guys from “Jackass.” “Steve-O was in geosyncronous orbit, holding the funnel. It was AWESOME.”
For years, people have been saying that human astronauts are obsolete, and that robotic missions make more sense. “I’m sorry, Dave, but I think you’re totally wasted.”
People are concerned that NASA’s image problems may make it hard for them to get funding. I think just the opposite is true. Congress loves people who are more incompetent than they are. That’s why they won’t impeach Cheney or Bush. A bunch of drunks in orbit is like a giant space shield covering Congress’s ass. “You think we’re bad? Just look at this video from the International Space Station.”
Still, you have to wonder what this does to NASA’s plans to go to Mars. Maybe nothing. Because science isn’t the point. You want data, you send up a satellite. But only humans can create really great reality TV…“Ares-1, this is Mission Control. You are veering off-course.” “I ain’t off course. I’m going to that bitch’s house.”
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Newsbreaks for Thursday (Oscar the Death Cat)
For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.
A cat in a Providence nursing home seems to be able to predict when someone is going to die. Twenty-five times now, Oscar has climbed into bed with someone, and within two hours, they’re dead. And people wonder why dogs are more popular.
‘Course his odds are pretty good—let’s see how Oscar does at a junior high school.
Staffers at the home say the cat is a godsend: “Now, you take your meds! Don’t make me go get Oscar!”
But frightening old people is just the beginning. One five-minute segment on Al-Jazeera, and the war could be over tomorrow. “Sure, sure, take the oil. Put a Hooters on every corner—just don’t send over the Death Cat!”
I bet Oscar’s getting pretty frustrated. Twenty five times, he climbs into bed, and twenty five times, someone picks him up after the person has kicked off. “Wha-? What are you doing? I was going to eat that!”
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