Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Newsbreaks for Tuesday
Audio version is here.
I went to school in New Haven. This is what everybody who went to Yale says. They’re just begging you to ask them for more information. Then when you finally pry it out of them, they mumble, “Oh, Yale.” Like “perhaps you’ve heard of it…It’s not much, but we like it.”
Yalies are divided into two groups, those desperate to prove they’re regular guys, and the other kind—we all know what they’re like. I think this comes from going to a really rich school in a really poor town. Or, we all could be assholes.
When I lived there twenty years ago, I called New Haven “yesterday’s city tomorrow.” But I can’t call it that anymore. This week, the city will become the first in the nation to issue ID cards to illegal immigrants. The cards are supposed to help reduce crime by allowing illegals to use banks instead of carrying cash. They will also let the workers use city services, like libraries. So if you want to get on the list for Book Seven in Spanish, call right now.
Naturally, conservative groups all across the country are mobilizing. One based in North Carolina is worried that New Haven’s plan will harbor terrorists. They’re so worried that they’re encouraging illegal immigrants all over the US to move to New Haven, so that they swamp the city’s social services. Wait—who are terrorists?
I love North Carolina. It’s like the South Lite, which means they only want to go back to 1950, instead of 1750. Their state motto should be, “We’re not as batshit as South Carolina, but you can see it from here!”
Illegal immigration is a complex problem, and it’s one that won’t go away. There’s one country filled with people who will risk their lives just to have a decent life, right next to another country filled with people who can’t even get up to change the channel.
Will the cards work? I don’t know. Maybe they’ll start a national conversation, something more than…“Lalalalala—I’m not looking at you, I’m not looking at you…Wait a sec, you missed a spot…Lalalalala…”
Monday, July 16, 2007
Newsbreaks for Monday
Audio version is here.
For centuries, human beings have dreamed of colonizing Mars. And why not? I mean, we’ve done so well with this planet. Now scientists say they might actually be able to do it. ‘Course, it won’t be easy: Mars has a rocky, desert-like surface, fierce ultra-violet radiation, and an atmosphere loaded with carbon dioxide. In other words, it’s the Valley.
The plan would be to pump greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, introduce bacteria to start photosynthesis and finally plant trees. So it won’t be anything like the movies; it’ll be more like driving Hummers filled with pinecones and yogurt.
NASA says the project would be called off if any life was found to already exist on Mars. Oh, sure it would. “Okay, everybody: put the vast mineral wealth back. We all gotta leave. Steve found lichen.”
If humans ever did colonize Mars, the low gravity there would cause people to grow extremely tall. Short kids would go there for summer camp. I can already see the ads in the back of The New York Times Sunday Magazine.
And of course there would be the usual corporate interest. “I claim this planet in the name of the National Basketball Association!”
Friday, July 13, 2007
Newsbreaks for Friday
Audio version is here.
Officials for the Taste of Chicago admitted today that some visitors to the festival got salmonella and had to be taken to the hospital. “I’m such an idiot,” one patient said. “I saw the sign and thought, ‘Oh, that’s just Italian for “little salmon.”’”
For those of you who’ve never been to “the Taste,” it’s a 10-day swath of blacktop offering food from local restaurants. They all set up booths, and all the booths have signs like “Try our 95-degree tunafish.”
That’s the thing about the Taste. Every year, it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. Only at the Taste, they make you eat it. And then charge you eight dollars.
Literally millions of people come through every year, mostly tourists from tiny little towns all over the Midwest. I can just imagine one of them sitting in a porta-potty, and thinking, “Now I know why them big city folks always walk so fast.”
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