Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Thursday, April 19, 2007
Newsbreaks for Thursday
Audio version is here.
Text:
One day after the shooting at Virginia Tech, a Tennessee woman walked into a kindergarten classroom, pulled out a toy gun, and fired it several times. As she was wrestled to the ground, she was heard to say, “You guys have no sense of humor.”
Here’s a picture of the woman.
Virginia Tech has announced that all the students slain Monday will receive posthumous degrees. You’ve heard of life-experience?” said an administrator. “Well, this is the opposite.”
A semi driver who flipped his truck Tuesday says it happened when he went looking for a couple of doughnuts he threw on the floor of his cab. Merv Bontrager of Milo, North Dakota, you are Today’s Stereotype.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday
Audio version is here.
Text:
Officials at the Antwerp Zoo are asking visitors not to interact with one of their animals, a male chimpanzee named Cheetah. Because Cheetah was raised by humans, he bonds more with people than with his own species and, as a zookeeper noted, “we’ve seen how well that works out.”
A nude photo of supermodel Kate Moss is being auctioned off next month. It’s expected to fetch over $30,000. You know what that means? That Moss’ dentist is sitting on a goldmine.
A group of English investors has unveiled a theme park based on the works of Charles Dickens. Admission is free, but you have to work your way out.
The $125 million attraction features Dickens-themed exhibits, animatronics, even a family style restaurant. The owners are especially proud that Dickens World is 100% carbon neutral. Said one, “All the power we need is generated by the author spinning in his grave.”
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Newsbreaks for Tuesday
Audio version is here.
Text:
In a video posted online, a top insurgent leader boasted today that his al-Qaida-linked group was now making its own rockets. All I can say is: fucking Estes, man.
Less than a week after suffering a brutal car crash, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine is still in critical condition, and facing a big next step: breathing on his own. That might not seem like much to you, but not everybody can do it.
A new report says that US greenhouse gas emissions rose by less than 1% in 2005. This prompted the head of the EPA to claim that Bush Administration efforts are working. “But we have to do more,” Dave Johnson said. “The Rapture isn’t coming by itself.”
Everybody in the Administration looks like they own a Ford dealership.
A New York couple retiring to Phoenix arrived there in a novel way: by taxi. Neither Bob nor Betty Matas drive, and they wanted to spare their cats the stress of a long airplane trip. So they simply hailed a cab, and 2,500 miles later, they were there. “It was surprisingly easy,” said Bob. “After all, we’re not black.”
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