Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday
Audio version is here.
Text:
In Damascus, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi met with Bassar Assad, the President of Syria. She characterized their conversation as “productive,” which is diplomatic code for “we compared Bush impressions.”
For the third time, videotape has surfaced of an off-duty Chicago police officer involved in a bar fight. “These are no longer isolated incidents,” Jesse Jackson said, “but a clear, repeating pattern of cops drumming up business.”
Today, Northern Ireland took another small step towards peace: for the first time ever, Protestant leader Ian Paisley shook hands with Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern….The meeting was sponsored by Purell.
Afterwards, the two men visited the site of the Battle of the Boyne, where Protestant forces defeated a Catholic army in 1690. The two groups have been playing “double-or-nothing” ever since.
As the two men stood, Paisley was heard to say, “[inhale] Smells like victory.” Ahern laughed, which of course is diplomatic code for “what a dick.”
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Newsbreaks for Tuesday
Audio version is here.
Text:
A childhood friend of Martin Luther King is preparing to auction off some of King’s papers. The small sheaf includes personal letters, as well as early drafts of some of King’s speeches. For example, “I Have a Dream” was originally called “Hey, Here’s a Thought.”
A new craze is sweeping Japan: Krispy Kreme. Japanese are lining up in droves to purchase the doughnuts, which are just the latest iteration in that country’s burgeoning love for American-style junk food—or, as the Japanese call it, “steroids for sumo.”
And finally, Monday marked the start of Canada's annual seal hunt, with lots of comment pro- and con. I don’t usually air my personal beliefs in these jokes, but I gotta say something: seal hunting is wrong. Just because a guy hasn’t had a hit in a long time…Those scars? They’re from clubs, people!
Monday, April 2, 2007
Newsbreaks for Monday
Audio version is here.
Text:
The government of Brazil has a new plan to save the Amazon rainforest: giving the Indian tribes there free Internet access. “Why do we think this will work?” asked a Brazilian official. “Because it’s impossible to chop down a tree one-handed.”
Speaking of online naughtiness, purveyors breathed a sigh of relief last week when the organization that sets the rules for domain names rejected a proposed “dot-xxx” extension. Porn people felt that “dot-xxx” had a negative connotation which unfairly stigmatized them. They’re now pushing for the alternative “dot-cum.”
And finally, an artist in New York is taking flack for creating a life-size, anatomically correct figure of Jesus out of chocolate. The artwork has caused outrage among local Catholics. They want it to be white chocolate.
Here’s a front view. Doesn’t look like what I expected. When I heard “Chocolate Jesus,” I naturally thought, “Barack Obama.”
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