Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Thursday, March 8, 2007
Newsbreaks for Thursday
Audio version is here.
Text:
Fugitive Afghan rebel leader Gulbuddin Hekmatyar told the AP that his forces have ended cooperation with the Taliban. Hekmatyar also announced he has just married this woman [photo of Yoko Ono].
Today, President Bush left on a five-nation tour of Latin America. Quick, somebody change the locks on The White House.
The State Department has just released its annual report regarding human rights violations around the world. For the first time ever, the report included censored movies. Said one of the authors, “We couldn’t mention Guantanamo, so we had to fill it with something.”
Next up: the Treasury Department’s report on who’s too capitalist.
A new survey by the Motion Picture Association of America says that 63% of people still consider going to a theater “the ultimate movie experience.” Well, sure—Alcatraz is the ultimate jail experience, but I still prefer house arrest.
The MPAA also said that 605 movies were released last year, and 37% of them featured Eugene Levy.
And finally, musician John Popper was arrested after cops clocked his Mecerdes going 111 mph. Inside the car they found four rifles, nine handguns, a switchblade, a Taser, and some night vision goggles, all in secret compartments. Popper’s car also had special headlights, a siren, and a public address system. When apprehended by the police, Popper said, “Okay, you got me—I’m Batman.”
Here’s Popper’s next car: [photo of the Mach 5]
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday
Audio version is here.
A Turkish court has blocked the popular video-sharing site YouTube from being accessed in Turkey…They didn’t mention Newsbreaks by name, but that’s just because they didn’t want me to get the free publicity.
The Turks are angry over some videos posted by Greeks, saying that all Turks are homosexuals. You heard me right: Greece is calling another country gay. That Greece. That one. The videos showed pictures of well-known Turkish gays like Socrates and Sappho.
But there are no good guys here: Apparently it’s a crime in Turkey to insult that country’s founder, Kamil Ataturk, or even “Turkishness” in general. Doing that’ll get you sent to prison. Saying “Turks are maybe just a little oversensitive ” will only get you a fine.
It’s okay, I can say it. This won’t be seen in Turkey anyway.
Celebrity Rosie O’Donnell admitted today that she undergoes treatment for depression. Asinine comment from Donald Trump in 3, 2, 1…
Officials in Chongking, China have ordered that all of the pet dogs in one district of that ciy are to be killed as part of an anti-rabies campaign. As you might imagine, not everybody is pleased about this. One person said anonymously, “I guess one of the mayor’s daughters is getting married.”
And finally, Marvel Comics has announced that it is killing off Captain America. I have to admit, my first thought was: I wonder if my back issues will be worth more?
Twenty years from now, comics fans will ask each other, “Where were you when Captain America was killed?”
“Probably having sex with some hot girl…You?”
“Oh, me too. Totally.”
“Totally.”
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Newsbreaks for Tuesday
Little late today--Mac troubles.
Audio version is here.
Former Cheney aide Lewis “Scooter” Libby was found guilty of obstruction of justice, perjury, and lying to the FBI. That’s the bad news. The good news is, the White House named him “Employee of the Month.”
Observers say that the verdict could very well turn Libby from an anonymous Washington insider into a frontrunner for the Republican nomination.
A technology research firm has calculated the total amount of digital information generated last year: from emails to mp3s to digital video, we made 161 billion gigabytes of the stuff. To help you imagine how much information this is, think of 12 stacks of books reaching from the Earth to the sun. And on every third page, there’s a funny picture of a cat.
An Indiana man took his eight-year-old daughter up in a single-engine plane, then crashed it into his former mother-in-law’s house. Jeez, eight-year-olds can be so annoying. “I wanna go to Grandma’s house, I wanna go to Grandma’s house.”
A Pennsylvania mother has pled guilty to baby-swinging. For those of you who don’t know what “baby-swinging” is, it’s when a bunch of new parents have a party, and each couple leaves with a different baby than they came with.
First, you put all the babies in a really big bowl…
Police say a Connecticut man stabbed his wife, then gave the knife to their two-year-old and told him: "Now you stab Mommy." Then the man said, “No, not the cat, Mommy…Watch the sofa!…Don’t put that it in your mouth…Oh, give me that. Listen, kid: you better shape up or I’ll fly you over to Grandma’s.”
Audio version is here.
Former Cheney aide Lewis “Scooter” Libby was found guilty of obstruction of justice, perjury, and lying to the FBI. That’s the bad news. The good news is, the White House named him “Employee of the Month.”
Observers say that the verdict could very well turn Libby from an anonymous Washington insider into a frontrunner for the Republican nomination.
A technology research firm has calculated the total amount of digital information generated last year: from emails to mp3s to digital video, we made 161 billion gigabytes of the stuff. To help you imagine how much information this is, think of 12 stacks of books reaching from the Earth to the sun. And on every third page, there’s a funny picture of a cat.
An Indiana man took his eight-year-old daughter up in a single-engine plane, then crashed it into his former mother-in-law’s house. Jeez, eight-year-olds can be so annoying. “I wanna go to Grandma’s house, I wanna go to Grandma’s house.”
A Pennsylvania mother has pled guilty to baby-swinging. For those of you who don’t know what “baby-swinging” is, it’s when a bunch of new parents have a party, and each couple leaves with a different baby than they came with.
First, you put all the babies in a really big bowl…
Police say a Connecticut man stabbed his wife, then gave the knife to their two-year-old and told him: "Now you stab Mommy." Then the man said, “No, not the cat, Mommy…Watch the sofa!…Don’t put that it in your mouth…Oh, give me that. Listen, kid: you better shape up or I’ll fly you over to Grandma’s.”
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