Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Monday, March 5, 2007
Newsbreaks for Monday
Audio version is here.
Text:
Scientists at the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig are using MRIs to see if they can determine a person’s intentions by scanning their brain activity. On the other hand, we could just ask him. [photo of Al Gore]
Last week, two Atlanta teenagers were arrested after they tried to rob a bank. The local press immediately dubbed the blond girls “the Barbie Bandits.”…Boy, it’s times like this I wish I was Reese Witherspoon’s agent.
No doubt the papers would’ve come up with something equally cute and memorable if the girls had been black. Something like “Suspect.”
Today, the mother of one of the girls is saying her daughter just fell in with a bad crowd. She’s a “little girl who made a bad choice,” the woman said…Okay, make that Paris Hilton’s agent.
And finally, ATM machine maker Diebold is apparently looking to sell the voting machine unit of its company. “It’s simple,” said an analyst for Wall Street, when a customer sees the name Diebold on an ATM, they naturally think, ‘Maybe they’re going to steal my money, too.’”
Friday, March 2, 2007
Newsbreaks for Friday
Enjoy!
Audio version is here.
Text:
Early Thursday morning, a detachment of soldiers from Switzerland got lost during a training mission and accidentally crossed over into Lichtenstein. While this was technically a hostile action, the government of Lichtenstein brushed it off. An official said, “They couldn’t have done much harm to us. All they had were those little pocketknives.”
A Michigan 16-year-old on the lam from authorities was captured Friday, three days after posting “catch me if you can” on his MySpace page. Said a police officer, “Not only did we catch him, we told him that the song on his site was totally a cliché.”
The unlucky boy is now also facing charges of “assault with incredibly shitty web design.”
A total lunar eclipse is happening Saturday. Who’s excited? Astrologers are excited.
This is when the moon passes behind the Earth’s shadow, causing it to appear crimson. In earlier times, this was often interpreted as an evil omen. But modern science protects us from superstitions like this, and fortunately, the stock market is closed on Saturdays.
An Australian woman was sentenced to community service, after officials caught her smuggling rare fish under her dress. When asked why they didn’t apprehend her sooner, a spokesperson said, “We just thought…I’m not going to tell you what we thought.”
And finally, there’s a new singles bar here in LA. It’s called “Skybark,” and the gimmick is, you can bring your dog. “There’s glamour, and paraparazzi,” said one of the bar’s owners. “You’ll feel like you’re in a real Hollywood party.” Yeah, one where everyone is biting each other and crapping on the floor. Usually that’s just the agents.
Audio version is here.
Text:
Early Thursday morning, a detachment of soldiers from Switzerland got lost during a training mission and accidentally crossed over into Lichtenstein. While this was technically a hostile action, the government of Lichtenstein brushed it off. An official said, “They couldn’t have done much harm to us. All they had were those little pocketknives.”
A Michigan 16-year-old on the lam from authorities was captured Friday, three days after posting “catch me if you can” on his MySpace page. Said a police officer, “Not only did we catch him, we told him that the song on his site was totally a cliché.”
The unlucky boy is now also facing charges of “assault with incredibly shitty web design.”
A total lunar eclipse is happening Saturday. Who’s excited? Astrologers are excited.
This is when the moon passes behind the Earth’s shadow, causing it to appear crimson. In earlier times, this was often interpreted as an evil omen. But modern science protects us from superstitions like this, and fortunately, the stock market is closed on Saturdays.
An Australian woman was sentenced to community service, after officials caught her smuggling rare fish under her dress. When asked why they didn’t apprehend her sooner, a spokesperson said, “We just thought…I’m not going to tell you what we thought.”
And finally, there’s a new singles bar here in LA. It’s called “Skybark,” and the gimmick is, you can bring your dog. “There’s glamour, and paraparazzi,” said one of the bar’s owners. “You’ll feel like you’re in a real Hollywood party.” Yeah, one where everyone is biting each other and crapping on the floor. Usually that’s just the agents.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Newsbreaks for Thursday
Enjoy!
Audio version is here.
Text:
Fox has a new hit game show, where contestants have to answer questions culled from elementary school textbooks. Must resist temptation...
The show is called, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?” … “No, but I’m so desperate to be on TV, I’ll allow myself to be humiliated by 11-year-olds.
Who says humanity isn’t making progress? The Romans used to throw people to the lions, now we throw them to the fifth-graders.
Think about it: everyone in this photo has an agent.
Colorado’s infamous Columbine High School was evacuated Thursday after somebody called in a bomb threat. It turned out to be a false alarm. “Kids were different back in the day,” a teacher there said. “Their threats meant something.”
A 21-year-old Indiana man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a $50,000 check that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant." The bank wouldn’t cash it, which I think was a mistake. Imagine the ad campaign: “This is where God banks.”
“I don’t care who you are, it still costsrrrr $6 to use an out-of-network ATM.”
And finally, a woman near Naples got a surprise yesterday when the sack of potatoes she planned to boil for dinner contained a live hand grenade. Nobody was hurt, and authorities detonated the grenade in a nearby park. Newspapers are calling the affair “Divorce, Italian Style.”
Audio version is here.
Text:
Fox has a new hit game show, where contestants have to answer questions culled from elementary school textbooks. Must resist temptation...
The show is called, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?” … “No, but I’m so desperate to be on TV, I’ll allow myself to be humiliated by 11-year-olds.
Who says humanity isn’t making progress? The Romans used to throw people to the lions, now we throw them to the fifth-graders.
Think about it: everyone in this photo has an agent.
Colorado’s infamous Columbine High School was evacuated Thursday after somebody called in a bomb threat. It turned out to be a false alarm. “Kids were different back in the day,” a teacher there said. “Their threats meant something.”
A 21-year-old Indiana man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a $50,000 check that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant." The bank wouldn’t cash it, which I think was a mistake. Imagine the ad campaign: “This is where God banks.”
“I don’t care who you are, it still costsrrrr $6 to use an out-of-network ATM.”
And finally, a woman near Naples got a surprise yesterday when the sack of potatoes she planned to boil for dinner contained a live hand grenade. Nobody was hurt, and authorities detonated the grenade in a nearby park. Newspapers are calling the affair “Divorce, Italian Style.”
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