Newsbreaks 9.12.07 (birth control)

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Researchers at Aberdeen University in Britain have determined that oral contraceptives—commonly known as “Man’s best friend”—do not increase a woman’s risk of cancer. In fact, the researchers say, the pill actually reduces the risk of some cancers. Specifically, the sentient, inter-uterine kind.

This is perhaps the most devastating cancer of all, since you have to pay to send the tumor to college.

Since the pill was introduced in the early 1960s, there have been literally hundreds of studies on its risks and benefits. After all, Cosmopolitan’s got to put something on its cover. But while the pill doesn’t increase your risk of cancer, unfortunately having sex does.

Just kidding. Like you would’ve stopped anyway. “Every—body’s—gotta—die—sometime.”

Despite the positive conclusion, the report is being dismissed by some as “junk science.” “We have no problem with their methods,” one critic said, “we just reject any research having to do with people’s junk.”

Over the past 50 years, more than 300 million women are thought to have used oral contraception, often for prolonged periods of time. Great—all those dry spells just became my fault.