Those of you who have read my book The Chronicles of Blarnia: The Lying Bitch in the Wardrobe--and that's everybody, right? RIGHT?--know that I have offered a bounty of GBP100 to any reader who could find ten similarities between my powerful, touching, truly original book and a sleazy rip-off written decades before I was even born. (I think the author's name was Lewis something; I don't think many people know about him today, much less read his books.)
To my utter amazement, several readers--obviously possessed of keener faculties than mine--DID discover ten similarities! I've read all the lists they submitted, and though I think they're pretty nit-picky, I am prepared to pony up. As per the rules, a random winner was picked from all the winning entries.
So, the winner is:
Algrene Pullings of London!
Here's Algrene's list:
"1. Both the books 'The Chronicles of Blarnia' and 'The Chronicles of Narnia,
the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe' begin with four siblings, (two guys
and two girls) being sent away from home into the British countryside.
2. In both books the youngest child, whose name begins with 'L', is a girl,
and who is often referred to as 'Lu' or 'Loo', depending on how one wants to
spell it, enters another world with the help of a wardrobe and meets a faun.
3. In both books Lu/Loo's story about another world is not believed by her
siblings.
4. In both books the second youngest child who is a boy and often referred
to as 'Ed', and who is also a deccided pessimist, manages to get through to
Lu/Loo's 'magical world'.
5. In both books Ed meets a Witch who is ruling the country he has got to
with a despotic tyranny and in both books he warms up to her.
6. In both books the Witch has caused a permanent winter.
7. In both books the four children eventually find themselves in the magical
world earlier described by their youngest sibling.
8. In both books they then meet a beaver who lures them home and they, being
wonderful and innocent adolescents, follow.
9. In both books a sort of rebellion against the Witch is brewing, led
(maybe reluctantly, but still led) by some sort of feline creature.
10. In both books the four siblings are coronated, grow up, and then get
back to the conventient hole between the magical world and the UK.
I could go on, and on and on. If I have to say the world 'in both books' one
more time, I will throttle someone."
Cry me a river, Algrene. At least you don't have to fork over a hundred pounds. That's real money. Maybe if I sue Lewis What's-His-Name, I can make some back. Somebody told me that his book is a Christian allegory, and I TOTALLY INVENTED THAT. The nerve of some people!
Anyway, I gotta go eat Christmas dinner with my in-laws. Thanks to everyone who entered, and apologies to those of you who didn't win, especially the person who was going to buy a Louis Vuitton bag. That is a noble goal, and I wish you the best.
Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Sunday, December 25, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Thank God we live in a free country...
...where wives like mine can surf to sites like fuckchristmas.org. If your tank of fulminating rage towards FOX and fundies is a little low, stop by and top it off.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
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