Anybody can learn to write well. I may be wrong about that, but it's what I think. There's nothing special about being able to write well; what is special is being a UNIQUE writer, and (not coincidentally) loving to tell the truth, whatever that is for you. Writers of genius are utterly unique, and love telling the truth more than anything else in the world, more than success or fame or--often--their own happiness.
This is a roundabout way of saying how sorry I was to read this morning that Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide.
The tributes have just begun. They're all distanced and strangely soggy--like the article in a high school newspaper the editor writes after the class rebel gets hit by a train one Saturday night. "We all liked him, but never understood why he was so angry," the editor writes. "It's too bad HST never applied himself. Maybe he could've gotten into Harvard."
HST was a great writer--a brilliant stylist, utterly unique, and loved telling his truth. He was the Suetonius of the American Empire. We desperately need more writers like that, and now everybody will have to start from scratch...Damn.
Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Monday, February 21, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
More jokes
This week, cyclist Lance Armstrong announced that he plans to compete in this year’s Tour de France. The announcement shocked many in the sports world, but Armstrong explained it this way: “The fewer testicles you have, the more annoying Sheryl Crow gets.”
Tuesday, a pair of paintings from the famed series depicting dogs playing poker were auctioned off for nearly $600,000. But this is only one way Google’s IPO is transforming American society.
A government study released this week said that Utah, Oregon and states in the deep South have the lowest rates of binge drinking in the country. “The data is clear,” President Bush said. “If we want our children to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, we must limit their access to uppity black folks.”
A government study released this week said that states in the
Midwest and Great Plains have some of the highest rates of binge drinking. The report said the cause could be summed up in a single word: “February.”
Wednesday, leading intelligence officials identified groups associated with al-Qaeda as the greatest threat to the United States. The officials went on to say that the last time they were in the woods, they did indeed step in bear shit.
Tuesday, Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room with flu-like symptoms. Though they expect a full recovery, the hospital refused Mr. Jackson’s request to be placed in the children’s wing.
Pope John Paul II's latest book, which includes his account of surviving an assassination attempt in 1981, will go on sale in Italy on Feb. 23, the publisher said Wednesday. The book, titled “How to Make Love Like a Cranky Old Polish Dude” is expected to sell poorly.
Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. As he was being led away, the singer shouted, “See? I so CAN get arrested in this town.”
Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. The singer’s agent downplayed the incident, saying, “What you and I would call ‘pointless violence’ Kid Rock considers ‘building his fan base.’”
Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. Police said that the singer became enraged after the dj told him, “Get over yourself--strippers say that to everybody.”
Tuesday, Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room with flu-like symptoms, delaying jury selection in the pop star's upcoming trial. “Sorry,” Jackson mumbled as he was admitted. “The whole fourth grade is sick.”
The Kyoto global warming pact went into force Wednesday, imposing limits on so-called “greenhouse gases” scientists blame for increasing world temperatures, melting glaciers and rising oceans. When global temperatures didn't fall on Thursday, the Bush administration issued this short statement: "In your face, science!”
Many energy analysts predict Americans will be paying more to fill their gas tanks this driving season than they did last year, when gas prices hit record highs. In a related story, Iran just got a lot more evil.
Despite weeks of negotiations, Wednesday the National Hockey League announced that…I’m sorry, has anybody ever heard of this? Is “hockey” some type of sport or something? Oh right—it’s when you stand in a circle and kick that little beanbag…
Thursday, a war protester attending a debate between Howard Dean and former Bush official Richard Perle threw a shoe at Perle. Perle didn’t miss a beat, saying, “You missed, Mrs. McCartney.”
A new luxury hotel will open next month on the site of Adolf Hitler's Alpine retreat, Berchtesgaden. An official for the Intercontinental chain of hotels expressed enthusiasm for the venture, but denied there will be anything special about the soap.
Thursday, officials at the Vatican decried what they called a "religion of health" in affluent societies. “In rich countries, the concept of health as well-being figures in creating unrealistic expectations about the possibility of medicine to respond to all needs and desires," said the Rev. Maurizio Faggioni, a theologian and morality expert on the Vatican's Pontifical Academy for Life. “If Lazarus were alive today, Jesus Christ would have to paint his house or something.”
Thursday, officials at the Vatican decried the presence in affluent societies of what they called “a religion of health.” “We think people should be satisfied with the same old unhealthy religion we’ve been offering for 2,000 years.”
Tuesday, a pair of paintings from the famed series depicting dogs playing poker were auctioned off for nearly $600,000. But this is only one way Google’s IPO is transforming American society.
A government study released this week said that Utah, Oregon and states in the deep South have the lowest rates of binge drinking in the country. “The data is clear,” President Bush said. “If we want our children to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, we must limit their access to uppity black folks.”
A government study released this week said that states in the
Midwest and Great Plains have some of the highest rates of binge drinking. The report said the cause could be summed up in a single word: “February.”
Wednesday, leading intelligence officials identified groups associated with al-Qaeda as the greatest threat to the United States. The officials went on to say that the last time they were in the woods, they did indeed step in bear shit.
Tuesday, Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room with flu-like symptoms. Though they expect a full recovery, the hospital refused Mr. Jackson’s request to be placed in the children’s wing.
Pope John Paul II's latest book, which includes his account of surviving an assassination attempt in 1981, will go on sale in Italy on Feb. 23, the publisher said Wednesday. The book, titled “How to Make Love Like a Cranky Old Polish Dude” is expected to sell poorly.
Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. As he was being led away, the singer shouted, “See? I so CAN get arrested in this town.”
Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. The singer’s agent downplayed the incident, saying, “What you and I would call ‘pointless violence’ Kid Rock considers ‘building his fan base.’”
Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. Police said that the singer became enraged after the dj told him, “Get over yourself--strippers say that to everybody.”
Tuesday, Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room with flu-like symptoms, delaying jury selection in the pop star's upcoming trial. “Sorry,” Jackson mumbled as he was admitted. “The whole fourth grade is sick.”
The Kyoto global warming pact went into force Wednesday, imposing limits on so-called “greenhouse gases” scientists blame for increasing world temperatures, melting glaciers and rising oceans. When global temperatures didn't fall on Thursday, the Bush administration issued this short statement: "In your face, science!”
Many energy analysts predict Americans will be paying more to fill their gas tanks this driving season than they did last year, when gas prices hit record highs. In a related story, Iran just got a lot more evil.
Despite weeks of negotiations, Wednesday the National Hockey League announced that…I’m sorry, has anybody ever heard of this? Is “hockey” some type of sport or something? Oh right—it’s when you stand in a circle and kick that little beanbag…
Thursday, a war protester attending a debate between Howard Dean and former Bush official Richard Perle threw a shoe at Perle. Perle didn’t miss a beat, saying, “You missed, Mrs. McCartney.”
A new luxury hotel will open next month on the site of Adolf Hitler's Alpine retreat, Berchtesgaden. An official for the Intercontinental chain of hotels expressed enthusiasm for the venture, but denied there will be anything special about the soap.
Thursday, officials at the Vatican decried what they called a "religion of health" in affluent societies. “In rich countries, the concept of health as well-being figures in creating unrealistic expectations about the possibility of medicine to respond to all needs and desires," said the Rev. Maurizio Faggioni, a theologian and morality expert on the Vatican's Pontifical Academy for Life. “If Lazarus were alive today, Jesus Christ would have to paint his house or something.”
Thursday, officials at the Vatican decried the presence in affluent societies of what they called “a religion of health.” “We think people should be satisfied with the same old unhealthy religion we’ve been offering for 2,000 years.”
Movies, movies, movies...
If you haven't seen Withnail and I, be prepared for a treat. It's a wonderfully funny and endlessly quotable tale of dissolute actors at liberty. I got it at Facets Multimedia, which is where film-lovers go when they die. Then, yesterday, I hunkered down at the Music Box (a repertory theater here in Chicago) for a double-feature. I wasn't planning on it, but after the first movie was over, I walked in to the other screening room to listen to the man playing the organ, and decided to stay. (Yes, I paid.) The first movie was a CBC documentary called The Take, about Argentina's growing movement of workers occupying their old abandoned factories, and putting them back to work. It was really inspiring. The second movie--which was probably even better--was Nobody Knows, a story about four Japanese children who are left alone by their mother. Really wrenching, but beautifully filmed and utterly original.
As to books, I'm reading Stephen Kanfer's great biography of Groucho Marx. My book-collecting compulsion has been letting up a bit recently (mostly because we are slowly being crowded out of this little apartment by books), but I'm sure that's only temporary.
As to books, I'm reading Stephen Kanfer's great biography of Groucho Marx. My book-collecting compulsion has been letting up a bit recently (mostly because we are slowly being crowded out of this little apartment by books), but I'm sure that's only temporary.
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