Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Friday, October 29, 2004
The best anti-Bush ad I've seen
This--"Beware of Bush" is great. After watching it, I think that all anti-Bush ads should be sung in Spanish, with a Latin beat.
I'm not even the funniest person in my APARTMENT
Wife Kate found this collection of notes in her desk this morning--it's the background of the character she plays in "Danse Macabre," an improvised 1930s-style monster movie currently playing at Second City's Skybox.
"AGATHA BRACHNYA
Extraction: Russo-Ukrainian border (little-known Srebnian people)
History: Came to work with producer Conrad Brunst as young immigrant maid. Now in mid-60s...After a young actress had to drop out of a production owing to an hysterical pregnancy, Agatha stepped in to assume her part--Crette the parlor maid. Ever since, no actress has successfully been cast for any parlor-maid or housekeeper-like role with Conrad Brunst production. They have all fallen mysteriously ill before filming began.
Filmography:
Shrew in the Twilight--Bette
Craven Dreams--Frette
Nocturne of the Damned--Lette
Rash of Torment--Nette
Sphinxster--Smette."
So, as we can see clearly, I am not even the funniest person in this apartment. Some days I even come behind one of the cats.
"AGATHA BRACHNYA
Extraction: Russo-Ukrainian border (little-known Srebnian people)
History: Came to work with producer Conrad Brunst as young immigrant maid. Now in mid-60s...After a young actress had to drop out of a production owing to an hysterical pregnancy, Agatha stepped in to assume her part--Crette the parlor maid. Ever since, no actress has successfully been cast for any parlor-maid or housekeeper-like role with Conrad Brunst production. They have all fallen mysteriously ill before filming began.
Filmography:
Shrew in the Twilight--Bette
Craven Dreams--Frette
Nocturne of the Damned--Lette
Rash of Torment--Nette
Sphinxster--Smette."
So, as we can see clearly, I am not even the funniest person in this apartment. Some days I even come behind one of the cats.
Fun with the next generation
Trotter fan extraordinaire Sophie sent this to me recently, and I thought I'd pass it along. It is perhaps the most creative incitement to spamming I've received.
"Dear Friend,
A month ago, to this very day, I had a dream. A wonderful dream, full of revelations. Unfortunately, as is often the case with such dreams, I could barely remember it when I woke up. However, the most important revelation stayed with me, and it was a very important revelation indeed. Heck, it wasn’t just important, it was groundbreaking. It was humungously amazing. You see, I had the privilege of being revealed the Ultimate Answer. Yes, you got it- the answer to Life... the Universe... and Everything.
So what is this answer? First, you have to ask yourself, “Am I worthy of such an honour? Am I willing to spread the word? Do I have access to unlimited supplies of cornflakes?
If the answer to any of the above was ‘yes’, then you are ready to share the secret of the Ultimate Answer. The answer to The Ultimate Question is...
Hedgehogs.
Yes, friend, that’s right, hedgehogs. But don’t go putting that as all the answers on your next test yet! I did that, and did I get full marks? Did I heck! I jumped the gun. The thing is, you have to give the hedgehogs in question brain food, so they can answer your question for you. And, as everyone knows, there’s no better brain food for a hedgehog than cornflakes. So before my next big test, I spent a while going round my neighbourhood, sprinkling cornflakes anywhere it looked like those darn hedgehogs might be hiding. Sure, I got a lot of funny looks. But who cares? The very next day, I got a full 94% on my English exam! (I guess I must have missed a coupla hedgehogs there)
So, do what I did. Don’t spend the night before your exams, GCSEs, whatever revising! Spend that night prowling the streets with a mega bag of cornflakes, keeping a sharp lookout for any spiky critters, and your efforts will be rewarded.
WARNING! This won’t work if you don’t forward this email to everyone you know! You have to spread the word! I sent this to my brother. He did the cornflake routine but didn’t bother to forward it to any of his friends. The next day, he took his Maths exam... and failed. Not only did he fail, but all of the words he typed magically transmogrified into drawings of aliens having a shoot-up. My friend Sally-Sue did the same thing. She fed her test to the teacher’s dog by accident and as a punishment for being so careless now has to spend all of her spare time sifting through the dog’s droppings to find semi-digested pieces of her test. So SEND THIS ON! Email it to everyone in your address book. The more people you send it to, the happier those hedgehogs will be! And if you just totally ignore this, well, you don’t want to know what’ll happen to you! Suffice to say, no-one could go within a 25-mile radius of my disbelieving friend Mary-Lou-Beth without fainting from the stench for almost five months after the ‘Cesspit Incident’. Send this email on, and everyone will benefit. Don’t send it, and I can’t be responsible for what happens."
"Dear Friend,
A month ago, to this very day, I had a dream. A wonderful dream, full of revelations. Unfortunately, as is often the case with such dreams, I could barely remember it when I woke up. However, the most important revelation stayed with me, and it was a very important revelation indeed. Heck, it wasn’t just important, it was groundbreaking. It was humungously amazing. You see, I had the privilege of being revealed the Ultimate Answer. Yes, you got it- the answer to Life... the Universe... and Everything.
So what is this answer? First, you have to ask yourself, “Am I worthy of such an honour? Am I willing to spread the word? Do I have access to unlimited supplies of cornflakes?
If the answer to any of the above was ‘yes’, then you are ready to share the secret of the Ultimate Answer. The answer to The Ultimate Question is...
Hedgehogs.
Yes, friend, that’s right, hedgehogs. But don’t go putting that as all the answers on your next test yet! I did that, and did I get full marks? Did I heck! I jumped the gun. The thing is, you have to give the hedgehogs in question brain food, so they can answer your question for you. And, as everyone knows, there’s no better brain food for a hedgehog than cornflakes. So before my next big test, I spent a while going round my neighbourhood, sprinkling cornflakes anywhere it looked like those darn hedgehogs might be hiding. Sure, I got a lot of funny looks. But who cares? The very next day, I got a full 94% on my English exam! (I guess I must have missed a coupla hedgehogs there)
So, do what I did. Don’t spend the night before your exams, GCSEs, whatever revising! Spend that night prowling the streets with a mega bag of cornflakes, keeping a sharp lookout for any spiky critters, and your efforts will be rewarded.
WARNING! This won’t work if you don’t forward this email to everyone you know! You have to spread the word! I sent this to my brother. He did the cornflake routine but didn’t bother to forward it to any of his friends. The next day, he took his Maths exam... and failed. Not only did he fail, but all of the words he typed magically transmogrified into drawings of aliens having a shoot-up. My friend Sally-Sue did the same thing. She fed her test to the teacher’s dog by accident and as a punishment for being so careless now has to spend all of her spare time sifting through the dog’s droppings to find semi-digested pieces of her test. So SEND THIS ON! Email it to everyone in your address book. The more people you send it to, the happier those hedgehogs will be! And if you just totally ignore this, well, you don’t want to know what’ll happen to you! Suffice to say, no-one could go within a 25-mile radius of my disbelieving friend Mary-Lou-Beth without fainting from the stench for almost five months after the ‘Cesspit Incident’. Send this email on, and everyone will benefit. Don’t send it, and I can’t be responsible for what happens."
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