Newsbreaks for Tuesday (Lincoln's face)

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Scientists believe that Abraham Lincoln may have had a facial defect called microsomia, where one side of his face was much smaller than the other. This condition is also known as “fucked-up face.”

Microsomia joins a long list of ailments — including smallpox, heart disease and depression — that modern doctors have diagnosed in Lincoln. Just once, I’d like to hear what parts of Lincoln worked. Clearly other things made up for all those flaws. “I know you won’t believe me, but Abraham Lincoln had a spectacular ass. He was like a dancer, or something.”

I think we should give Bush everything Lincoln had. We could probably do it in a weekend. Smallpox and depression—they practically do themselves. For heart disease, we could borrow Cheney’s; he’s not using it. The only hard part would be shrinking Bush’s face without shrinking his brain, too…Actually that’s perfect—he’s leaving.

Scientists don’t know what causes microsomia, but they do note that, as a boy, Lincoln was kicked in the head by a horse. This plan of mine’s getting better and better. “Excuse me, Mr. Bush? I think you might want to look at this horse. Its back hoof has a secret message from Jesus.”

Mount Rushmore sculptor Gutzon Borglum described the left side of Lincoln's face as “unfinished.” Lincoln’s ghost retaliated by killing Borglum six months before Mount Rushmore was complete. Lincoln was noted for his sense of humor. And his practice of “dim mak,” or “the death touch.”

Newsbreaks for Monday (Rove's departure)

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A state-run newspaper in China is reporting that the executive responsible for all those lead-tainted toys has killed himself. Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated piece of news, Karl Rove is leaving the White House…God, if he were only Chinese…

President Bush said, quote, “Karl’s moving on down the road.” God, I hate the folksy thing. It’s like Thurston Howell III pretending to be a Beverly Hillbilly. “I’m rich as hell, but you can’t hate me because I’m also inarticulate.” He’s like a corn-pone Nixon. “Sure, my background gave me opportunities you didn’t have. But don’t worry, I didn’t take advantage of them.”

Rove said, “I'm grateful to have been a witness to history.” Whatever you were, Karl, it wasn’t a witness. Witnesses can be called to testify.

“At month's end," Rove continued, "I will join those whom you meet in your travels”—what is he, President Appleseed?—“the ordinary Americans who tell you they are praying for you."

At least that part is true—we are praying for President Bush. Because it’s obvious what happens when he’s on his own.

Q: Okay, when are you going to start up again?

A: Next week. I won't be anywhere near finished with the draft, but at least I won't be totally screwed.

Meanwhile, I encourage you to go read some columns by my very funny friend, Mark Bazer.