Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Friday, July 20, 2007
Newsbreaks for Friday
Audio version is here.
This morning, the Bay Area was struck by a small earthquake. Well, I guess somebody didn’t like the way Harry Potter ended.
The earthquake was minor—easy for me to say, right?—but officials for the US Geological Survey stuck up for it: “There are no small earthquakes,” they said. “Only small cities.”
They’re very protective of their quakes, over there at the US Geological Survey. I wouldn’t go so far as to say they ROOT for them, but…
They all cluster around the seismograph chanting, “Go! Go! Go!”
They quake struck at around 4:40 in the morning, and knocked out power to about 1,000 people. Pacific Gas and Electric said that they were investigating the cause of the outage. How’d you like to have that job? “I’m not sure, but I think it was an earthquake.”
The only major damage was reported by an employee at a Safeway in Berkeley. Two large plate-glass windows were broken. “At first I didn’t think ‘earthquake,’” the guy said. “I thought, ‘Awesome—the revolution has started!…My blog actually worked!”
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Newsbreaks for Thursday
Audio version is here.
Officials for the town of Brattleboro, Vermont, have passed a temporary ordinance banning public nudity. The law is an emergency measure following a recent rash of townspeople airing out their uglies.
All I can say is, one person’s emergency is another person’s tourist attraction. I just wonder if my plane tickets are refundable.
If the law doesn’t work, maybe they’ll call out the Vermont National Guard.
Oh, wait, they can’t. They’re in Iraq, fighting to give women the right to wear less clothing…I’m so confused.
Apparently there’s a lot of nudity in Vermont—during the summertime, at least—but this year, things were getting out of hand. In addition to the usual sunbathing and skinny-dipping, teenagers were riding bikes and holding hula-hoop contests. It got so bad that parents had to start begging their kids to stay inside and play video games. “All that fresh air is bad for you! It makes you…pregnant!”
The last straw came when a senior citizen was spotted in downtown Brattleboro wearing nothing but sneakers and a fanny pack. Naked teenagers are one thing, scrotal dragging is another.
Vermont has a “live-and-let-live” tradition, and Brattleboro, even more so. One townsperson said she guessed nudity “rubs some people the wrong way.” But of course the real problem is, it rubs all people the right way. The really right way. All the chimps in charge are afraid the rest of us are secretly bonobos.
I know which I am. If I could look at naked people all day long, I really don’t think I’d need much else…The thrills! The chills! The excitement! This just might be the way to solve global warming.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Newsbreaks for Wednesday
Audio version is here.
Archeologists in Ventura, CA, have discovered a pair of 130-year-old outhouses. They’re calling it a treasure-trove. So far they’ve unearthed a pistol, a knife, whiskey flasks, two dog skulls, and a set of false teeth. All I can say is, if that’s “treasure,” you guys would make really bad pirates.
Of course, we are talking about California. “Kids, look—according to this plaque, this McDonald’s has been here since 1963.”
My Mom loves to read plaques. That’s why she likes Europe so much—the plaques are more entertaining. You know what Europeans call a 130-year-old outhouse? “The outhouse.”
The archeologists say that the deeper they dig, the worse it smells. And the worst part is, they have to use those little trowels. They have get right down in it, that’s the Archeologist’s Code.
I can imagine one of them saying to the other, “Think the Holy Grail’s buried down here?”
“What?”
“I said, ‘Do you think the Holy Grail’s down here?’”
“Nah.”
“Then I’m breaking out the freakin’ dynamite.”
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