Barry Trotter (Book 1)
The Hogwash School for Wizards was the most famous school in the wizarding world, and Barry Trotter was its most famous student. His mere presence made sure that every year twenty candidates applied for every open spot, no matter how rapacious Hogwash's tuition became. As a result, Barry and the school had come to an unspoken agreement: regardless of his grades, Barry could remain at Hogwash for as long as he wished. He had just begun his eleventh year...Freshman
Sleepy with boredom and gassy from lunch, Hart Fox sat in the hard plastic chair outside his dean's office. A kid walked in the door, pink detention slip in hand, bobbing his head a little so that the purple spikes of his mohawk didn't get bent on the transom. He slumped down next to Hart. Hart nodded--he remembered tis joker from sophomore American History, constantly arguing in favor of anarcho-syndicalism. Was his name Henry?...Sophomore
Arcing lazily through the air, the Frisbee smacked against the window. “Ooo-oo!” a chiseled and shirtless boy teased as it wobbleplummeted to the ground. “Sarah's in troub-le!”The beauty-boy was righter than he knew: Of all the windows on campus to hit, this one was the worst. It belonged to Stutts’ Professor of Clandestine Affairs, Glenbard North, who had destroyed more students than there were blades of grass on the freshly resodded Old Quad below...Coming Soon!
All you really gotta know is, I'm writing new things constantly and the more I write, the better my books get. So if you've read my earlier work--and millions of you have--we should keep in touch. This fall, at least one and maybe two new books will be available: a Dickens parody AND a comic mystery loosely based on The Beatles. Drop me an email at mikesnewbooks[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll be sure to let you know release dates, special deals, etc.Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Newsbreaks for Tuesday
Audio version is here.
You know what’s wrong with the world today? Too much religious tolerance. Pope Benedict XVI did his part today by releasing a document declaring all other religions bogus. “Christ established here on earth only one church,” the Pope wrote. “I just happen to be the leader of it.”
President Bush praised the announcement. “Benny’s a uniter, not a divider.”
Privately, however, the President was less enthusiastic. “Tell Scalia to quit texting me.”
[pwn3d!!!!11]
But an Anglican official in Rome stressed that “there's the official position, and then there's the huge amount of friendship and fellowship” between Catholics and the rest of the world’s religions. A Vatican official agreed, saying: “We’ll certainly wave at you all down in Hell.”
This document follows one on Saturday which reinstated the Latin Mass. This was seen as a direct attack on American Catholics who, like the rest of us, would rather suffer eternal torment than learn a foreign language.
Observers say this is probably the last of Benedict’s moves to roll back the clock. Then again nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Newsbreaks for Monday
Audio version is here.
This morning, I read the following headline: “Robber disguised as tree robs New Hampshire bank.” Sounds like a Newsbreak, right? Practically writes itself, which I like, ‘cause I’m not getting paid. So then I read the story and find out that, in fact, the guy wasn’t wearing a tree costume, he just had leaves and branches duct-taped to his head. Folks, this is why people read comic books.
In real life, The Penguin is some guy who stands on his front lawn all winter with a carton of eggs clamped in his crotch.
And The Joker’s just some dude who wears makeup and likes to goose people.
The guy didn’t even have a gun. He just asked for money, and they gave it to him. “I was afraid he’d give me Dutch Elm disease.”
For obvious reasons, I’m not going to give the name of the bank. They’re pretty embarrassed. Anyway, you probably know it already; it’s the one that goes bankrupt every Halloween.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Mah Funny Friends
Dennis Perrin has written an excellent music-review spoof.
And Dirk Voetberg would like to introduce you to...The Enigma!
And Dirk Voetberg would like to introduce you to...The Enigma!
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