A very Santa Monica story

Kate forwarded me this story of an artist in Santa Monica, who happens to be homeless. His name is Gary Musselman, and I really like his stuff. This piece is titled Untitled.

The cute + the funny...

...equals WORLD DOMINATION.

Or at least this photograph.

The Stutts Deed

The New York Times' recent report on student sex magazines, somehow neglected to mention the granddaddy of them all, The Deed, published by students at world-famous Stutts University. Started in 1969 as an underground comic, The Deed has been many things in its long life, including "a radical journal of Wymmyn's Liberation" and "The Thinking Person's Guide to Self Love". Recently resurrected after a long hiatus, The Deed's latest incarnation contains windy, repurposed essays from Gender Studies class, sex tips from relatively inexperienced people, and wildly fraudulent surveys of student sexual behavior. But most students read it for one thing: murky photos of somewhat naked people they think they might know.

"The point of The Deed is to make the world safe for porn," editor Kendra Timmins-Thompson '05 said. "When I think of all the problems in the world today, all the things that cry out for my intelligence, drive, and passion--not to mention the best education money can buy--this magazine is my response."

Publisher Fiona LaRousset '08 is similarly passionate: 'People ask, with a million cable channels, and the internet, does the world need another outlet for soft-core porn?' The answer is YES, preferably featuring my friends and the crazy gay guy who lives down the hall."

But if today's Stutts is so permissive, why aren't students simply enjoying themselves by meeting someone nice and HAVING lots of sex? Why in God's name are they publishing a magazine about it? "When you think about it, it's a no-brainer," said Karen Ruger, Stutts' Dean of Student Affairs. "A Stutts student is much more interested in creating something that may make them rich--or at least get them into The New York Times--than actually connecting with another human being. Where's the percentage in that? It seems very hippie-ish and stupid to them."

The quite hippie-ish if not so stupid Garry Davis, a professor in the English Department, concurred. "Having sex, especially if you really care about somebody, means taking a risk, opening yourself up. With the right person, sex can change your life. Making soft-core porn is just a way to seem open, while really being willing to do anything to get ahead."

Students at Stutts disagree. "I really like The Deed," said a freshman who did not wish to be named. "I mean, I like the idea of it. I've never actually seen one, because all the editors take all the copies for their resumes." Another student agreed. "As I said in The Deed survey, I have sexual intercourse thirty to forty times a week," said a sophomore Computing major, "yet the idea of seeing my classmates naked holds an undeniable fascination." A third, who once again refused to be identified, said he liked The Deed because "it lets me think about sex without the terrifying prospect of being in a relationship." Plus, the student added, "whacking off is all I have time for." He said he felt he "was pretty typical, no matter how much sex people SAY they're having." The Computing major punched him.

The students responsible for The Deed say their publication performs a valuable service. It makes Stutts seem as fun as all the other colleges out there, "which is important when you're spending a small fortune and everybody you went to high school with is talking about all the sex they're having," said LaRousset. "I mean, not like I care--I'm having sex thirty to forty times a week."

"People are so uptight here," said Bill Cranpool '07, The Deed's Circulation Manager. "They'll have sex, sure, but they're uncomfortable with somebody making money off it." Cranpool says he hopes that The Deed will help Stuttsies "be more sex-positive" and "get me a sweet-ass internship." Timmins-Thompson says that her parents "are really proud of everything I do" but "no, you can't talk to them."

Getting students to model isn't as easy as one might think, especially when all the hide-behind-a-stack-of-the-OED type ruses have been exhausted. "It's really hard to get people to go through with it," photographer James Vanderboff '07 said. "At first, they're all like, 'Cool,' but then they get cold feet during the shoot. You can especially tell with the guys. They turtle." What actual nudity makes it into The Deed's pages comes courtesy of townies struggling to make ends meet. "I think I saw a homeless guy in there last time," one student confided.

Still, the magazine's heady mix of grainy pictures, groin-obscuring gambits, and jargon-filled articles explaining why porn is so very much MORE than selling glimpses of other people's genitals for money, seems to be as successful as ever on campus. "At least until the Student Activities Fund runs out," quips Ruger.

Or maybe such magazines aren't about the campus, as much as the world beyond. "Back in the old days, you could get a NYT reporter to come talk to you about politics, or something like that," Timmins-Thompson said. "Now, you have to convince somebody to show their hoo-ha. Oh, well--whatever it takes to get an internship. Did I mention that I got perfect SATs?"

Chinese President Visits Stutts

As was widely reported, Chinese President Hu Jintao ended his American visit with a trip to Stutts University. The stay, which was meant to last only a day, ended up stretching through most of the weekend, after the President and his delegation were charmed by a playful re-enactment of the 1989 Tiananmen Square uprising courtesy of The Cuckoo, Stutts' student humor magazine.

"Everybody was making such a big deal over it, we naturally wondered what would be the most irresponsible thing possible," Peter Armbruster '08 said. Acting quickly, the rascals decided to re-enact the famous photograph of the man standing in front of the tank--only reversed. In the Cuckoo's version, a normal-sized human (Editor Hart Fox '08) stood in front of a small, remote-controlled tank operated by Armbruster.

The Cuckoo failed utterly in its goal of offending people; most passerby on the New Quad either didn't notice or, getting the reference, laughed. The person who laughed the hardest was, surprisingly, President Hu--who broke away from his security detail and introduced himself to the amazed pranksters.

"He came up to me with a real pissed-off look on his face and said something like, 'You guys are the assholes,'" Armbruster said. "I was just about to apologize, when he broke out laughing."

"The President kept asking, 'Did I get you? Did I get you?'" Fox added. "I finally said, 'President Hu, do you see the peestain on my pants? Yes, you freakin' got us.'"

This short conversation led to an impromptu tour of the campus, which ended up--of all places--at the Comma Comma Apostrophe fraternity. CCA was in the midst of its annual Spring drinking contest, where teams of students imbibe competitively to see who will take home the worthless-yet-coveted Golden Stomach Pump.


"President Hu was great," Fox said. "When he saw the stomach pump, he understood completely. I guess boozing is an international language." President Hu immediately insisted that The Cuckoo be allowed to field a team, with himself as anchor. Several members of his entourage filled out the rest of the squad, after being field-promoted to editor status.

The Cuckoo coasted to victory, but it came at a high price for the President, who was in no condition to travel. The delegation was farmed out to various dorm couches for the night. The next morning, a pale-looking Hu and his staff invoked a traditional Stutts hangover cure--some greaseburgers at Gristle's--before leaving town.

The Cuckoo boys think Great Littleton might not have seen the last of Hu. "When we told him about Naked Night, he seemed totally psyched," Fox said. "I guess we'll just have to wait 'til September and see if he shows up."

Cannibalism and Your Teen...

This PDA spoof is exactly what the title suggests, but it's still ably done.

Jer checks in...

My friend Jerry is travelling around the world with his wife, Whitney. They are in Dharamsala, heading for home. This, from Jer's latest email:

"we're enjoying Dharamsala, the town in the Himalayan (read: cold...) foothills where the Dalai Llama lives and runs the Tibetan gov't in exile. You know he can dunk a basketball? he gave me a tough game, but i pulled it out. he was pissy after. whatever."

Funny friends are one of the glories of the world!

Funny cartoon.

I'm not going to tell you anything about it.

And in honor of Easter...

"...because the Bible tells me so..."

Amusing, creepy, and not inaccurate...

Bush follows money, Blair follows Bush. Here.

Steve, Don't Eat It!

With a stomach as finicky as mine, it's hard for me even to look at some of the foods this fellow eats.

This is the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time

If World War II had been a MMORPG.

I Love the 60s, and 70s, and 80s...

I'm not usually one for nostalgia (especially the drivel-punctuated VH1 kind), but this site is worth a look.

Movies re-enacted by bunnies in 30 seconds

...are here. I highly recommend The Exorcist.

Proud to be an American...

Seems apocryphal, but it's still funny.

Do not let any depressed bunnies...

...see this collection of bunny suicides.

Non-wankers, please read

How to Write Like a Wanker.

My friend Mark Bazer writes a funny column...

...for the Red Eye paper in Chicago. You should definitely check it out. The archives are here.